Ah, friend, we thought it would be a long time to get old

Sometimes he is overnight

In the morning mirror, I saw myself pale

Like a disappearing meteor.

Around 2012, I almost lost contact with all my friends. Of course, in fact, I don't have many real friends. Although I have been on the Internet for a long time, I haven't known (met offline) one of my online friends so far. Most of my friends are from childhood and high school. As time goes by, these friends are actually getting farther and farther.

This is because of my personality. I am a very passive person. I have been blogging for so many years, and occasionally some netizens leave messages. I have also seen some netizens leave messages on various independent blogs, and then interact with each other, come and go. Everyone meets offline and becomes friends. What I have always chosen is: there is nothing to say. Whether you read the article well or have some inspiration (in fact, most of my blog is emotional language), it is your business. It has nothing to do with me. My original intention of writing a blog is to satisfy my desire to express myself. In fact, because of the low evaluation of myself, I would think that even if we met in real life, They will also be disappointed. It's better not to see each other. Of course, there is a logical loophole, but I don't want to change it, so I usually seldom reply to messages. Occasionally, I return to see other people's articles, and only read them. I rarely leave messages.

In real life, my personality will also encounter many problems. For example, I found that the friends I met or could associate with were all active people, which is easy to understand. If you are passive, if you encounter a passive one, there will be no spark between the two. So in fact, my friends with this personality are playing with me, but what? Because he is a passive person, after associating with these friends for a period of time, he still shrinks into his own world. Wu Xiubo's three no principles are not active, not connected, and not refused.

When I was a young man of literature and art, I liked to write novels. I tried to write a novel about only one hero, but I couldn't write it down. I also tried to write a story about a man who dug a hole in the mountain, hid, and didn't write it down. I even tried to imitate Kafka's style of writing, and tried to let the hero of a novel choose his own plot. Of course, I didn't write it down. He thinks highly of himself, but lacks talent. Speaking frankly means that he reads less and thinks too much. In essence, he is an introverted, self abased, and unconvinced mixture of contradictions.

After all, people are social animals. In real life, I can't be completely isolated from the rest of the world. I thought it was because I didn't have enough wealth. I thought that one day, when I developed, I would build a house at the foot of my hometown's mountain, with electricity, Internet and water. I would climb the mountain every morning and go to fucking humans. But when I calm down, I think about it again, the house should be built by people, Computers need to be repaired, wells need to be fought, and even salt and butter, food, rice and salt need to be supplied. Therefore, idealists must first abandon idealism if they want to succeed.

From Utopia to small government, I thought, since it is inevitable to deal with people, I should try to deal with people less, right? What can we talk about? What we can talk about is in books we haven't seen before. In real life, we have to consider the tone, context, atmosphere and level of each other. How tired we are. With the growth of people's age, many people's three views have been stereotyped. Talking about it is a picture of "you see me as a fool, I see you as a fool. Everyone scolds a fool in their hearts, and they cherish each other". Another point is that compared with language communication, The efficiency of written communication is higher. You need to filter your own words before you turn them into words. Of course, this is also personal prejudice.

Although most people are unwilling to admit it, their so-called "friendship" is actually just an "exchange relationship" in a sense. However, if a person's own resources are not enough and good enough, then he is more likely to become a "requester", unable to make a "fair exchange", and eventually become a burden to others. At this time, the so-called "friendship" will slowly die

——Li Xiaolai's "Time as a Friend" Networking Section

This is also the last reason. When I was a child, I read a couplet: "The poor in the downtown, no one asked, the rich in the mountains have distant relatives". The rich and poor here are not all money. You must have something to exchange. These years, you think you are very self-knowledge, have no hobbies, and have no sudden wealth. The three views are extreme, so you have fun with yourself.

Some people may wonder all their lives: there is a big difference between people, and there is no need to follow the recognized path. If you meet such a person in real life, just respect the choice of others. Just like Salinger, the author of "The Catcher in the Rye", of course, the gap between him and me is that we still lack a masterpiece and the money to buy more than 90 acres of land near the riverside hills in rural New Hampshire. This is the expression of pretending to be forced. The expression of not pretending to be forced is: I will die quietly like many unknown ordinary people.

Luo Dayou wrote in "Tomorrow Will Be Better": "The snow on the Jade Mountain is drifting, burning the hearts of young people, melting the true feelings into notes, and pouring out blessings from afar." Farewell to the magical year 2020, 2021 is coming. The desk calendar has been replaced with a new one, the bedroom has been cleaned, the floor has been wiped, and tea and tobacco have been prepared, so we have enough sleep. In this quiet night, bid farewell to the old and welcome the new. Although every day is a new beginning, there are always nodes that are different from the past. We are aging, our children are growing up, our parents are aging, and those who have died, and the seasons go round and round, day and night.

This year, I spent a long time wandering in the emotions of animals, such as fear, greed, hesitation, confusion, disappointment and self pity. Looking back on these emotions, the side effect is that the stress reaction is strong. Of course, relatively, the nerves are also growing stronger. Sometimes we need tobacco and alcohol, and sometimes we need sleep. Maybe these emotions will come again, but I know that whoever can't kill me will make me strong.

Flag doesn't want to stand up any more. Change is gradual and will not be achieved overnight; Subconsciously, the idea formed when he was a teenager, such as the idea that the hero in the martial arts novel fell off the cliff and harvested the secret script, was finally recognized. The cycle of goal, plan, implementation, re inventory, modification, and starting again should be gradually moved forward. Instead of setting up the flag, he thought that things had been completed, like a mouse lying on a high corn heap.

One node is of great significance to me, 2010. A lot of things were just ordinary choices at that time. Now, ten years later, I found that I had missed my whole golden age when I was twenty-two years old. In the golden age of my life, my hair was fluffy and my body was light. I had a lot of desires. I wanted to love, write, fight and fight. But at that time, I didn't know what I had. At that time, I had everything. I was in the narrowest lane, leaning on my crutches, turning around three times at a time, lost in the misty forest.

I may never learn to stop loss. Stop loss is too painful. That pain is like Faust going through the whole Abyss Hell. So the eternal choice is to lie in place and create a shining empty shell. Even if you are covered with sharp blades, you will tell yourself with dying nerves that you don't feel pain, and then accept it, and you will truly believe it. It's just as hard to change myself as it is to change others, but now I don't even dream about these changes. I know that aging is not just my own red blood cells, which is the biggest change of myself in the past 2020. The phoenix gathers the leaves of Chinese parasol trees once every five hundred years, and then reborn from the ashes, which is called nirvana. This legend with a little success can no longer inspire me. I know that the sun will rise normally tomorrow, but the earth will never be reborn with glory.

There is no pessimism, nor optimism. The real world and oneself should be like this. Knowing "can do" and "can't do" may mean not being confused.

Accept yourself, accept your hair loss, myopia and occasional organ laziness;

Accept yourself, accept your appearance, dress and the depression caused by it;

Accept yourself, accept your personality, talk and be evaluated.

They handed themselves over to God, Buddha and Allah. I had not yet arrived at that time. I just handed myself over to myself. It was hope as well as hope, just like "tomorrow will be better".

The year 2020 has passed, and I miss her very much.