In 2007, I was 19 years old. At that time, I could not wait to declare that I was already in the weak year. Now, I am 31 years old, but I cannot accept that I have entered the 30 years old. I have spent half my life in the night of the world. At this moment, I miss my mother very much. Thirty years ago in the morning, "I" began to exist in some corner of the world. Now, I don't often think of her, only a few times in the dream of losing face, I was pulled away from the dream by an emotion.
The span of this decade, let me really look back, more is a muddle headed, like a car in the dark with headlights broken. If I take the people around me as a reference, I also admit failure in the secular sense. As a result, standing at the age of 30, it is inevitable to be extremely embarrassed. Anxiety is inevitable, and loss is also common. As for "people who do not cry in the middle of the night are not enough to talk about life", I also seem to meet the standard.
so what?
In addition to these emotional expressions, I think I should sort out the context of this decade, and at least look back at it at the age of 40 as a reference to count the gains and losses.
In terms of work experience, I have built ships, repaired roads, built houses, installed and repaired cars, household appliances, displays, websites, domain names, VPS. To be honest, this experience is a bit like the Hatoyama Chi in the Eight Tales of the Dragon. On the surface, 72 Shaolin stunts are brilliant, but in fact, it can't compete with Qiao Feng's Taizu long fist. The same is true of my friends in life. After graduating from high school, my classmates entered the factory. After ten years of hard work, they stood still. Ten years later, two houses and one four-wheel vehicle are much better than my proletariat and most friends with high starting points.
When I reflected on myself, I asked myself how I would choose if I started from scratch? I think I may still go back to the old way, because I always "don't know what I want, feel that I can do something, and feel that I can achieve something". As a result, I made life a fugitive. When encountering problems in one environment, he starts to escape. He always feels that everything will be better in the next environment. If he encounters problems again, he will continue to escape until he finally reaches the dead end of time.
Once when I felt extremely painful in a new environment, I began to record journal entries, such as: "On the first day, pain, pain all over; on the third day, it is better to stay away from fools; on the seventh day, it was a bit painful, and I saw an adage: any mental pain you experienced will disappear automatically soon" I turned to the last diary on the fourteenth day, That means I forgot the record fourteen days later. When I realized this, I was shocked. Life is so similar. We always magnify the temporary pain in front of us infinitely. In the time torrent, it may not be true. Life is nothing but jumping from one cage to another.
So I think in the next ten years, I may not bother. I may put away my hobbies or small flames. I will not use this as an excuse. I will occasionally turn it over and try to make some small results in my spare time. Most of the time, I will sell it cheaply for survival. Although this is not a good strategy, it is not a gamble.
Love is a matter for two people after all, but I still feel more happy to get along with myself. My view of love is always very high. Although I don't know what to ask for, I don't know what to ask for, and I don't think I have the ability to keep this kind of love, so I may be the gene that will be eliminated in the biological world eventually.
So I want to go on alone.
Loneliness is a problem one has to face all his life, and marriage can never solve it. In the dead of night, I looked for a book to study problems that were slightly beyond my ability, meditate and talk to myself. On such days, I once experimented alone for two months, which was very comfortable. Of course, with the deterioration of body functions, this life may not be very beautiful, but I have thought of a solution.
In our short life, we do not necessarily have to live according to the agreement in the secular sense. There are flowers and flowers between this idea, which is said to be like a person who knows when to drink.
In fact, I have no idea about the future.
In the next ten years, there is a very high probability that my father will leave. We have been happily together for many years. He once joked that no one would care about you if I died. I think I may be sad that this is also the case. Here we come, here we go, We lived.
Looking back on this life, emotions, joys and sorrows, joys and sorrows, separation and reunion, that's all.
