I knew that Tumutanzi was an independent blog of Shaozi for a long time. Later, Shaozi broke off and just searched. It seems that even the domain name no longer exists. As a rare independent blog that can be updated for a long time and does not write for traffic, plus its name is particularly easy to remember, I will actively input all the infrequent https://tumutanzi.com The domain name of is directly accessed.

My understanding of Tumutanzi is only limited to knowing that he is a doctor who studies cement. He stayed in school. After returning home, he should have worked in a domestic real estate agent. He was in Shenzhen and later worked as a teacher. I know that he came out of a small mountain village step by step from home to abroad, and back home from abroad. He is an old school blogger between the lines. My definition of the old school is: just want to write, have a desire to share, but do not write for any reason.

I still remember when I asked him in an article how he learned English at that time, and how many years he had learned to read English without obstacles. I remember his reply was to read it, listen to it, and say it. Nothing is more effective than personal participation, and then added: Of course, it must be painful at the beginning.

I usually read other people's blogs and seldom leave messages, which is very similar to my personality in life. Just being a bystander is enough. A long time ago, I saw a public welfare project on Tumutanzi's blog: a public welfare donation project made by the blogger to his hometown and the primary school where he was a child.

I thought it was very interesting at that time. When I saw buying books, building blocks, and even asking my uncle to be my desk and chair, he accepted donations from friends from all over the world, WeChat Alipay, various foreign currencies, and even Bitcoin. He used his blog's AdSense advertising revenue and occasionally one or two small businesses' sponsorship. His account was open and transparent, and he used an excel form to host it on Microsoft's onedrive. See: Public Welfare – Tumutanzi (tumutanzi. com)

But at the beginning, I just watched the excitement and didn't participate. Then today I visited his blog and saw that the public welfare project was still there. Then I carefully looked at his public welfare website. There was a gap of seven years between the sixth and seventh issues. I don't know what happened in these seven years, but there was a gap of seven years between 2012 and 2016, and the latest issue. I even thought that his primary school was like many primary schools, junior high schools, and high schools, Because of population reduction and urbanization, it disappeared in the migration of vast Chinese population, but it did not. So I'm very happy. I also want to participate.

I first learned that the saying that "when the sun strikes, no contribution will be made" was also seen on his blog, so I wanted to take this as a long-term act of my own, set a small donation amount, and implement it once a month to add a little firewood to his good deeds.

Seeing a star commit suicide due to depression reminds me of the people I know well.

In high school, there was a girl in the class. When she first entered school, everything was normal and her performance was medium. It was about the second semester of senior two or the beginning of senior three. I can't remember the exact time. One afternoon, I suddenly lost my temper. At that time, before a math class began, the math teacher had already stood outside the classroom. Somehow, the girl suddenly stood up and shouted, as if nobody was there, even a little hysterical, This kind of emotional runaway is different from the general sense of emotional runaway. The general sense of emotional runaway is aimed at something and can be recovered afterwards. However, the girl's emotion was out of control, and she didn't seem to be aiming at anything, and her words and deeds, in our view at that time, were "neurotic". Later, the girl dropped out of school. Later, she heard that she went to the psychiatric hospital in this city for treatment, but I don't know what happened to her later.

The other is a cousin of mine who suffered from asthma since childhood. He studied in the Second Middle School of the city and got good grades. He was also in high school. Suddenly one day, he was in high mood and smashed things, accompanied by hallucinations and delusions. My father said that this should be hereditary, because his father was my brother-in-law who had a period of "neuropathy" in adolescence, Once I burned my quilt, and then one day I suddenly recovered. My cousin's illness was diagnosed as mania, which is an emotional disorder. Now he has recovered after drug treatment, but my little aunt is suffering from depression.

I am not a doctor, and I am not very clear about the causes of depression and mania. However, in my limited knowledge, I have hardly heard of reported cases of depression or mania in childhood. As two types of psychosis, I think these two types are largely related to the secretion of hormones. Of course, this is just my guess.

As an outsider, I can hardly really understand this disease. But from all kinds of expressions of depressed patients, I think he may be a magnified version of my experience.

For several years and months after the age of 30, I often had a very low sense of identity with myself, didn't want to do anything, and felt inexplicably sad. Then my brain would give me a command to let go of everything, immerse myself in it, and then I would feel happy after this sad emotion was released. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the middle of the night, I feel that it is meaningless to live, and then I have intermittent insomnia. Although reason has told me that I can't think anymore, I can't control it. The voice in my head keeps talking to myself and repeating until I am exhausted.

I know that I will never be depressed, and this kind of performance is probably the product of hormone regulation. Therefore, I think that depression is an exponential amplification of the failure of hormone regulation. If you indulge in it for a long time, indeed, death is not a terrible thing, but suicide may be a relief.

I have another experience that can also be said that this incident is not honorable. It is a fight. This is the only fight in adulthood.

It was a dispute with a security guard at the door of a company, and the details of right and wrong were omitted. Until now, I can clearly remember that when I decided to use force to fight, the torrent of the past rushed through my mind like wildfire in a moment, and my spirit and muscles were highly nervous. I wanted to kill people in a moment, and I felt no pain when I fell to the ground and scratched the asphalt pavement.

During development, hormones soar, and during aging, hormones fall back. In this flood, we can control very little. We are its slaves, and also the source of irrationality.