Moderator: Hello, audience friends, welcome to watch this issue of Heart to Heart Talk. Our program always talks about a word called "happiness". It seems that the word "happiness" refers to specific individuals too much. It always says "I am happy" and "you are happy", alas. Can we talk about our happiness? In fact, everyone's happiness is a positive relationship. This is also one of the key research objects of positive psychology that we will talk about on the program - what is positive relationship? What does happiness have to do with positive relationships? It sounds funny, but actually it's interesting. We have invited a big expert in this field, Professor Peng Kaiping, the dean of Tsinghua Psychology Department. Hello, Miss Peng!
Guest: Hello Ye Zhuang, everyone!
Host: I have read Teacher Peng's new book.
Guest: Thank you.
Moderator: One page is the best. Thank you. Teacher Peng thanks for his new book. Thank you in advance
Guest: Madam.
Moderator: Thanks again
Guest: Two sons.
Compere: All of them have been recruited by themselves. Don't ask.
Guest: Yes, yes.
Moderator: Thank you both for your wife and your son. Recently, when many people share your book on the Internet, they will follow this page if they don't follow it on other pages. It's always like a model husband. Say you look at others, right? You are so knowledgeable. People don't thank you for writing a book, teachers, students and assistants. They thank their wives and children.
Guest: I owe them too much.
Compere: Oh, this is a good word. Not like a positive psychologist said. What a problem?
Guest: Because I think that in human relations, this sense of giving is the biggest damage to our relationship. Many of us think that in our relationships, I pay more than others, and others always take advantage of something, which is easy to cause great harm. In fact, in all relationships, what we get is far more than what we put in.
Compere: In all relationships?
Guest: Yes! Whether leaders or couples, many leaders think that I have supported these workers, but don't forget that it is the workers who have made your fortune; Many wives said that when I married this man, I would let him have clothes, food and shelter. In fact, it also made him sexually satisfied. In fact, it was a sense of dedication. In fact, they promote each other in the relationship, so I personally think that we must advocate, in a sense, to prevent the sense of giving.
Guest Peng Kaiping (left), host Ye Zhuang (right)
Host: In fact, I think it's reasonable that people value the sense of pay so much. Because this thing was lost as a result, the emotional impact will be greater. You see, my wife has never accused me of spending money indiscriminately and never praised me for making money, right. That's what it means. Your sense of dedication will have a greater impact on her.
Guest: Indeed, psychology has found that people, to some extent, give too much value to the lost thing, which is called "asymmetric square of value". It means that you lose five dollars and you pick up five dollars, which is totally different in your heart. You regret losing five yuan for a long time. How can I lose five yuan and how can I always lose money; If you pick up five yuan and spend it at once, you will forget about it. So in a sense, the value judgments of giving and getting in our minds are different, which is called the asymmetry of the value equation.
Moderator: Mm-hmm. So I said I felt sorry for losing five yuan, that is, five yuan. You didn't buy a pancake to eat, and I felt uncomfortable for a week and a half, which made me a little bit like that.
Guest: Yes, this requires the guidance of positive psychology and the attitude of positive psychology.
Compere: Is there any good way for positive psychology to guide the response to this sense of dedication?
Guest: Positive psychology is about how to discover the positive side of human thinking. For example, let's take a long-term view instead of a short-term view, so we temporarily lost five yuan, but we will make a lot of money in the future. In other words, don't treat an event as something you can't control or manage. Then you feel that there is no way to do it. It is controllable. So maybe the reason why I lost five dollars was that my wallet was leaking, and I would be fine if I repaired it. So we can think more about such long-term things, more about some details that can be controlled, and more about the fact that it is not an inevitable phenomenon, which can help us to have a positive understanding and attitude.
Host: That is actually a change of perspective. Don't pay too much attention to the five yuan you lost.
Guest: Yes, this is called positive thinking.
Compere: Yes, you should pay attention to the five yuan. How can it not become ten yuan in the future.
Guest: Yes, yes.
Compere: How to use this positive thinking in relation? For example, I get along with my wife, I get along with my children, and I hate the boss, but I still have to get along with him. How can I use it in my relationship?
Guest: It is also very important to think positively in relation. In addition to preventing this sense of dedication just now, we should also pay attention to the way and method of our communication. There is a psychologist named Gutman who has studied more than 600 human couples. They are still happy after divorce. He found that his communication is very important. In many cases, the problem of couples is due to improper communication. They don't pay attention to other people's needs or desires. For example, when the wife sees the garden, she says, "Oh, this bird is beautiful!" So an excellent husband and a loving husband will actively communicate and say, "Hey, where is the bird?" This will allow them to have a good interaction.
Host: Good interaction!
Guest: If you say, "What are you watching? You are going to have dinner soon." Well, this will lead to negative interaction. Then how can you do boring things all the time? It will have a more destructive effect. So you can see that this kind of communication skill is very important in couples. A psychologist named Rosada found that couples and any successful team need such positive and positive communication. Too much negative communication will destroy the relationship. He even proposed a five to one ratio, but this ratio is still controversial, but it shows that there are some scientific laws to follow when we communicate. So this is the importance of communication. Another thing we must do is to create similarities. In many cases, we always emphasize the complementarity between husband and wife. Men's talent and women's appearance, men's domination of the outside world and women's domination of the inside world, which is the traditional idea of the traditional society. At that time, it was consistent, so it was not called happiness. As long as we get married, we must stay together. Now our happiness experience affects the quality of our marriage and whether our marriage will continue. Therefore, we should cultivate sameness and similarity at this time. It has been found that 72% of happy marriages are due to similarity and matching. So if the husband likes to read psychology, the wife must pay more attention to it, otherwise your similarity will become less and less. The wife likes to watch Ye Zhuang's program. The husband thinks that this program is boring, which is easy to cause problems, so he tries his best.
Compere: He dares to dislike our program boring, I kill him!
Guest: Yes, so we must do something common and similar. There are some things that are different between men and women, and there is no way to achieve similarity. In terms of emotion, emotion and practice, support, tolerance and tolerance are very important skills for couples in life.
Host: What you said makes me think I have a question that I have been thinking about for 20 years and finally got the answer.
Guest: Oh, what's the problem?
Host: Twenty years ago, Huanzhu Gege was a hit. At that time, when I was in primary school, the girl next to me asked her a question one day with a special grudge, saying, "Oh, from the TV play Huanzhu Gege, I find a boyfriend or a husband. Is it better to find a similar one or a complementary one?" What kind of broken question did I feel at that time? Ask such a question!
Guest: Absolutely.
Compere: Today we have the answer.
Guest: Yes, absolutely! 72% are similar.
Host: Oh, I hope that my female deskmate at that time can watch our program now.
Guest: Very good. You can send her a text message. It means nothing but telling her about the program. I'll tell you.
Host: Old schoolmate, I answered your question twenty years ago with this program.
Guest: Yes.
Host: In addition to this, you also mentioned a particularly good thing, that is, this positive and benign interaction.
Guest: Yes.
Host: I think this positive and positive interaction not only between husband and wife, but also between parents and children is very valuable.
Guest: It's very important, so I have long put forward the principle of "three Cs" for this parent-child relationship.
Moderator: "Three Cs"?
Guest: Yes, "three Cs" are three English words. They all start with C. One is called communication.
Moderator: Communication.
Guest: So you can see that the quality, method and content of communication between parents and children are very important. Because people are the product of communication, only through communication can we talk about love. You see, love is talked about. There must be communication between the parents and the children. They must not stop talking. They must not only talk about utilitarianism, but also about exams, grades, and negativity
Compere: And platitudes.
Guest: There must be real, emotional and meaningful communication with platitudes, empty words and lies, so this is the first C. The second C is that we must have contact. In many cases, parents and children are not together, and there is no contact. So I think the first element is that we must spend some time with children, even doing some boring things. The child is playing games and watching him play is a kind of contact. Although you don't play games in person, the child knows that you are watching him. He is playing games and you play your own games. Everyone is watching mobile phones, so there is no contact.
Host: In the same room, practice separately.
Guest: Yes, there is no such spiritual contact, so physical contact is also very important, such as slapstick, giggle, shoulder to shoulder, handshaking, hugging, kissing, high five, and playing ball. So my parents don't have much contact and communication in the Chinese cultural environment.
Host: Let's stick to it.
Guest: I always insist.
Host: Look at the old father sitting here in the middle of the quadrangle in the big family before, and the old mother sitting here, sitting there for a day, everyone went up to greet him, no one helped him, no one helped him.
Guest: So at that time, marriage depended on feudal ethics, and now marriage depends on psychological experience.
Host: True feelings.
Guest: True feelings, so you must have the psychological principles to help you maintain such a relationship. The third C is particularly important for culture. We now find that when people do cultural things, they tend to resonate and share regrets. When eating, you eat your food and I eat mine. Unless you tell me, well, this is really fragrant. We have resonance, but watching an art work, watching a good movie, enjoying a good music, we have a common hobby, a common feeling, this kind of spiritual contact is also very important, and culture has resonance.
Host: So the "three Cs" constitute an important barrier for parents and children to actively communicate.
Guest: Yes, important principles and methods.
Host: I think a lot of parents should understand this. Because now you don't know how to actively communicate with the children when you see the situation encountered by the family leaders. The children come back and say to their mother, "Mom, I got 99 points in the exam." The mother's first reaction was not that good, but the mother's first reaction was that the dog ate that point?
Guest: Hey, yes.
Compere: But this is actually not very good.
Guest: This is a kind of negative and even a kind of discrimination, a kind of malicious communication way, which brings a long-term negative psychological impression.
Host: In addition to parent-child relationship and intimacy, we also face a lot of relationships. In these relationships, many of us are now popular with some books, such as "100 Ways to Know People in the Workplace" and "Teaching You to Be a Big Winner in the Career Palace". I think these books are popular.
Guest: This is the "real chicken soup for soul".
Host: Yes, I think it's better to read less books like this! What do you think?
Guest: Yes, because it doesn't mean that more information is better. We know that information has three negative effects: one is called dilution effect, that is, too much information dilutes some good knowledge; The other is called poison effect. Some information is poisonous. It pollutes our hearts, interferes with our aspirations, and affects our emotions. So this poison effect; Some information is noise, which distracts you from thinking about the real information. So, the more books you read, the better. In particular, I personally think that reading classics, science, history, culture, and books that nourish the mind and delight the eyes are especially deliberate.
Compere: So many people think that knowledge is crammed into their heads, but they don't know that some books are better read than not.
Guest: Yes, we should read classics.
Compere: Let's suppose that our parent-child relationship and intimate relationship are well handled. The reason is very large. This is my wife, this is my child. I have a good relationship with him. It is natural to deal with him. But there are some relationships that we should deal with, but I really hate this person. Do you have any good suggestions for this situation?
Guest: I think I hate this person. You must analyze how the reason is formed. If it is the reason of this personality, it may be difficult to change. If it is my own prejudice caused by a small matter, I can change it. So the first one is to analyze the reason, and the second one is to analyze the necessity, that is, whether I should continue to maintain a relationship with this person. Sometimes when you are at work, a colleague has a bad relationship with him, and you do not need to maintain a relationship with him, Then you can choose not to maintain a relationship with him. Why!
Compere: For example, it's good not to deal with each other.
Guest: Of course, out of sight, out of mind. Why should we stay with people who have a negative impact on us? So it is actually a principle of positive psychology to stay away from people with negative energy.
Host: Your words are too open to me. Because of this, many cultures and enterprise atmospheres emphasize that you should be good with everyone.
Guest: No need.
Host: Yes, in fact, it is ok. I really don't like this person, and then it doesn't harm my interests. Why do I have to maintain this with him.
Guest: Because the nature of human relations is diverse. Some of them give you the convenience of this kind of work, which is working relations; Some are to give you spiritual support, it is a friend relationship; Some are because there is a hierarchical demand, which is a hierarchical relationship. So we must make it clear that not all relationships need to be maintained well. For some relationships, just follow the rules. For the relationship between the boss and you, if there is no special psychological and emotional needs, then you can complete his task. As a kind of commodity transaction, there is no need to make the customer especially happy. I am particularly annoyed with the saying that customers are God. The customer is not God, the customer is the customer, and the customer advocates the morality and civilization of modern business. So he buys my service, and I provide service for him. This must be a willing commercial exchange between two sides. If he goes beyond the purpose of this commercial exchange and makes me unhappy and insulted, why should I take him seriously. So sometimes we Chinese people must get rid of the wrong idea that all relationships are equal, not all relationships are equal, there are important relationships, meaningful relationships, positive relationships, and some are just working relationships and business relationships, and there is no need to be completely consistent.
Compere: I think I totally agree. There are three layers of spiced pork! Not to mention the relationship between people.
Guest: Too accurate, too correct!
Compere: It must be more complicated, that's for sure.
Guest: Yes, yes.
Compere: As soon as I said this, I remembered. Let's not say whether this relationship must be good or equal. I think some relationships are very dangerous, and what relationships seem to be positive is actually problematic. For example, the ambition of some service industries is zero. Before going to work every day, people here are shouting, "I want to win three million! I want to win three million! I want to get three million!"
Guest: Yes.
Compere: I think this seems to be very close. How good the team spirit is! What a wolf team! How about this, but I think it always seems strange.
Guest: Yes, I think it goes against human nature, that is, we Chinese people must be aware of a particularly important modern scientific theory called "modern evolution". Modern evolutionism has long found that human beings embarked on a different path of biological evolution about 70000 to 100000 years ago. We have become humans rather than creatures, rather than other animals. So the nature of those animals mentioned before, such as selfishness, mutual harm, society is a jungle, and others are hell, are all based on the original theory of early evolution. Now science has found that people rely not on our animal instinct to defeat other creatures, but on our human nature. In this world, creatures stronger than us, fierce creatures There are wild creatures, fast running creatures, and even creatures longer than we live. But we humans have destroyed them. We must not destroy these creatures by the so-called powerful, brutal, vicious and insidious.
Compere: Not sharp teeth.
Guest: It's not sharp teeth. That's right! It depends on our wisdom, it depends on our humanity. Humanity is caring for others, humanity is achieving others, and humanity is good. So I often talk about the greatest discovery of positive psychology, which is to find that positive psychology is human nature, and negative psychology is a kind of abnormal orientation. There is evidence that positive people live long, long and healthy lives, and even have more children and wives. Yes, of course.
Host: Wait a minute, what does it mean to have more wives?
Guest: Because there is no so-called monogamy when there is no marriage system, in a sense, human beings have evolved and chosen. This positive nature makes people reproduce more.
Compere: So we two such active people are actually subject to the social system, right?
Guest: Another requirement of our positive attitude is the sense of responsibility. So marriage is actually about responsibility.
Host: Oh, but let's not talk about the responsibility of marriage. I think that if we simply say that there are many active wives, this time, I think I would not only thank that wife for your book today, but not several!
Guest: But you can see that, in a sense, the genetic reproduction of human evolutionary selection must be those active and attractive people, right?
Moderator: Yes.
Guest: So this positive and attractive person has a competitive advantage. From the perspective of evolution, human beings must like a positive attitude, which is innate.
Compere: But even if people get along well with each other, there will inevitably be friction. It is inevitable that this person will offend that person, regardless of whether it is intentional or unintentional.
Guest: Yes.
Host: So a lot of research on positive psychology has recently moved towards a research that can be said to be behavior or expression, namely forgiveness. A few days ago, I also made another small program, which mentioned "forgiveness" and comment. The comment from the netizen below made a mess of "saying you are too chicken soup", You know, why should I forgive others? I just want to be a person who is struggling with life. In fact, I think you are really struggling with life, which may not be good for your relationship with other people. In fact, forgiveness is sometimes a good way to let the relationship into a virtuous circle.
Guest: Our tens of millions of years of human evolution is actually "survival of the fittest". What is the fittest? He is good at change, he is good at adapting to circumstances, he is good at retreating and advancing, he is not one track, he does not go all the way to the dark, he is not a dead beat. So wisdom talks about change, flexibility and tolerance, so forgiveness is actually wisdom, and wisdom must make us live well. So many people say that I will kill others, which is called stupidity, which is not called atmosphere, which is not called man, which is not called hard, which is called misguided. Because over the years, we have relied on our own primitive animal instinct to think that we can do well only if we are arrogant, vicious, and kill others. We must not survive by killing others. By the way, because some of our entrepreneurs recently advocated cultivating the wolf nature and asked us Chinese to be wolves, the problem is that wolves have been eliminated by us. More than 12000 years ago, humans tamed wolves into dogs, and now the remaining wolves are called lonely soul wolves. Their number is decreasing, and they will become endangered creatures in a few years. Why should we Chinese learn from wolves. We should be human. Benevolent people are invincible. Confucius told us more than 2000 years ago that we must learn from people. People are more powerful than wolves, people are more noble than wolves, and people live better than wolves. Of course, I also saw what they said about wolves. What is wolf nature? I don't think it is wolf nature at first. What he said is human nature. He said that wolves talk about unity, and the most important thing is people. One billion Chinese people can sometimes share the same hatred for the enemy. Do you think wolves can do it? He can't do that! People talk about unity because we have wisdom, can know that others have psychological activities, know others' desires, needs and feelings. Wolves move by instinct, they can't do it! So the unity he said is not wolf nature but human nature. He said that wolves are cunning, and the most cunning creature in the world is human!
Compere: Still human!
Guest: Our IQ is so high that we can go to heaven and earth. We can fight wolves to kill them. If you say wisdom must be cunning, it must be human nature. It's not wolf nature. He said that wolves are indomitable. People can sacrifice their lives for some benefit. Wang Baochuan and other husbands can wait for their husbands for 18 years. What wolves can't do, people can do. So the wolf nature he said is not wolf nature, but human nature! So we should advocate human nature, which is positive, tolerant, kind, intelligent and flexible. So I often say that forgiveness is a kind of flexibility rather than a kind of ignorance, or mindlessness, or stupidity.
Compere: Indeed, there is a strange trend of following zoology regardless of individual demands, corporate culture or team culture. That is to say, following zoology, learning wolves today, tigers tomorrow and leopards the day after tomorrow. It seems that human resources in enterprises are the same as those who teach Wuqinxi. In fact, I think in the final analysis, the reason why people are human is that they want to be human.
Guest: That's right.
Compere: In fact, I think many people have always stressed the importance of fighting against life, against life, against the original family, and against who they catch, and finally against themselves.
Guest: That's right, so this struggle spirit is a theory that we have learned wrong in the past decades. In a sense, it is also based on the social Darwin theory, which has now proved how much disaster it has brought to our last world. Now positive psychology has found that this theory is wrong, that is, fighting with people, fighting with the sky, and fighting with the earth are not human wisdom practices, but should conform to resources, transform resources, and create resources, which is our human wisdom practices.
Host: So I think one thing about evolution should be right. As you mentioned just now, the survival mechanism of the fittest is not necessarily that you can survive when you are suitable for the current environment, but that you can adapt to the constant changes of the current environment, and you can also follow the changes. You are the real fitter.
Guest: Very accurate!
Moderator: I think psychology is the science of studying people. In the final analysis, it is the science and law that generalizes human nature, regardless of whether it is a person or a group of people. So I think I have talked with you for so many times, and you have talked so much here as a guest. Let's not worry about as a moderator, I believe that the audience will also benefit greatly. In fact, I am here to tell you that I have benefited a lot. I can read books in addition to watching programs. Teacher Peng's new book was mentioned at the beginning of the program just now. I would like to mention that I can learn from the surging flow of happiness, which is now available on all major online platforms. Mainly......
Guest: JD and Amazon.
Compere: You can buy it. When we recorded this program, JD and Amazon were out of stock, so we can't guarantee that you will get it when you see this program, but we guarantee that the book will sell well.
Guest: The pre-sale volume ranks second, at 2000, in more than 100000 books, and second in the psychology category, only second to Zimbardo's Psychology and Life.
Host: After you said this, I thought that my books must be arranged very backward.
Guest: Your book has a lot of stamina.
Compere: Oh, good, good, good, you make me embarrassed not to praise you. This book is good. What's good about it? Fortunately, Teacher Peng also sent us dozens of books. You can get it by following our official WeChat public account, which is the version of "The Surge of Happiness" signed by our teacher Peng. How to pay attention? It's very simple. Open the WeChat search bar, search our "Daily Talk" and get the specific method of how to get the signature version of "Surge of Happiness". You are welcome to pay attention to "Daily Heart to Heart Talk", and you are also welcome to continue to pay attention to our programs. Of course, you are more welcome to pay attention to Teacher Peng's in-depth cooperation with us, whether it is courses or books. Thank you, Mr. Peng, for being a guest in this issue.
Guest: Thank you, thank you!
