01

Last weekend, I finally got up the courage to blacklist a friend's phone number.

The reason is very simple. She repeatedly asked me to help her with all kinds of unreasonable requests. Even several times, during my break, the harsh phone rang suddenly:

"Xiaomei, the leader asked me to hand in a report. You are good at writing. Can you help me write it now?"

"Hello, Xiaomei, I'm busy. Can you go and get the express for me?"

……

Sometimes these things that she put forward are clearly within her power or not urgent, just to save her own time and energy, she habitually throws them all onto me.

Is it because they are friends that one party has the responsibility and obligation to "help" regardless of time and place?

In our society, we are very particular about human relations, because because of face saving, when others put forward something they do not want to do, we still have difficulty in saying no, so we have to nod our heads and agree.

The more we do not know how to refuse and take the initiative to establish a clear boundary, it is inevitable that someone will occupy our time and energy again and again, invade our private life, or even destroy a good relationship in the end.

The relationship between people is very delicate. Even close relatives and friends should know how to keep boundaries and appropriate distance, give each other space and freedom, and respect others all the time.

We need to build our own borders. The boundary is not a constraint, more unselfish, but a kind of self love and self-esteem 。
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02

A good relationship needs to be maintained with boundaries.

There is a kind of classic story that is often staged in reality: after spending many years with her boyfriend, she turns to fall in love with her best friend. After years of hard work, her friendship with her best friend is at an impasse.

Why did the relationship between a good lover and friend develop into such a situation? One of the most important reasons is that they failed to maintain proper boundaries in their relationship.

The most common "cross-border" behaviors, such as letting a boyfriend take care of a friend who is sick; My girlfriend was squeezed out of her shoes in the subway and asked her boyfriend to help; There are also boyfriends looking for jobs for their girlfriends, picking up and sending them to and from work, etc... Is it because A is B's lover and B is C's girlfriend that A and C can get along with each other without avoiding suspicion?

No matter how much you pay, the feelings without sense of boundaries may eventually become naked injuries. The former lovers and friends have become today's enemies.

When you are too close to other members of the opposite sex and do not have the proper balance between them, it will not only make your lover sad, but it is also possible that you may accidentally go beyond that point, causing irreversible consequences.

How many feelings around us are destroyed by "no boundaries"?

Dividing boundaries is like marking a range in our emotions in advance, where we can enjoy free activities, but beyond the boundary is the forbidden area, which cannot be crossed at will.

Establishing boundaries can not only maintain hard won feelings, but also reduce unnecessary misunderstandings and troubles. Only in limited space can there be long-term happiness 。

The proper way of communication is to keep a proper distance in the relationship. The boundary is a kind of respect for the loved one and a kind of treasure with heart 。

03

It is a great happiness for children that parents learn to set boundaries.

In real life, it is inevitable to meet some half of the children who have almost no ability to take care of themselves. Their parents help them dress, and even feed them. Because their families think that the children are still young, they treat them as little princes and princesses at home. After ten years of pampering, they have no basic skills to take care of themselves.

One of the important reasons behind all this is that parents have blurred the boundaries that should exist between them and their children.

When children are still infants, their needs can almost only be conveyed by crying. At this special time, children need the full accompany of their parents. They should appear in time and give help at the first time when they cry.

After puberty, parents should clarify their role orientation, help children develop themselves, recognize responsibilities, and cultivate independent spirit; Instead of taking full responsibility like when I was a child, I did everything by myself.

If parents, because of their deep love, gradually intrude into the boundaries of their children's lives, the intimate relationship will become a useless entanglement in the future, and even lead to many unnecessary tragedies.

Another typical situation is that parents, with such cross-border love, rudely interfere with the love and marriage of their children after they become adults. This should have been a personal matter. Parents can give pertinent suggestions, but they cannot impose their own wishes on their children. It is easy for children who are over controlled to find themselves, and it is hard for them to find true happiness.

A good relationship must be like this: I love you, but you are always free; I love you, I am willing to respect your choice 。

04

The more you know how to set boundaries, the easier it is to be free.

I believe you must have had the experience of others' "crossing the border". On a warm weekend, you were having dinner with your family, and colleagues' WeChat messages discussed work with you one by one; All kinds of trivial matters of relatives and friends are clearly not urgent, so you must occupy your rest time to help them complete immediately

The scope of modern daily work has completely blurred the time for work and rest, and interpersonal relationships have often confused the boundaries between responsibility and human relations. In addition to love and kinship, we also urgently need to establish our own boundaries to give ourselves time and space.

It has been suggested that we can reach a consensus with the other party in advance to set the boundary, take precautions, avoid unnecessary troubles, better focus on our own affairs, and not damage the interpersonal relationship.

For example, when I went to the library in the daytime to focus on my postgraduate study, I didn't take my mobile phone into the study room and told people around me that I was studying at this time, and the news might not be visible.

In this way, when I set my boundaries, others will no longer interfere at will, and I can concentrate on reading and learning in my own small space.

05

The pace of modern life is getting faster and faster, and we pay attention to fast food life. Maybe we don't have time to sit down and have a good talk, eat a meal, or read a book seriously.

At this time, we need to use boundaries for protection, not confined to one side of the world, not troubled by trivial matters, and enjoy the vastness and beauty of the world.

Original excerpt from Sohu