(Author: Jia Xiumei, a psychologist from the Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences, original text, reprinted please indicate that knowledge is power WeChat official account)
Young parents of the post-80s generation, how is your relationship with your children? Did you neglect the emotional communication with your children because you were busy working? What should you do if the child is naughty? In fact, parent-child relationship is very important. It is not as simple as you think. Don't underestimate it. So, how to establish a good parent-child relationship? Just look here~
Good parent-child relationship is not innate
The classic theoretical basis for psychological description of parent-child relationship is called "attachment". Attachment refers to a special emotional relationship between a baby and its caregiver (usually the mother). It comes from the interaction between the baby and its parents. It is an emotional connection and bond.
The development of attachment is a two-way process, which is the product of the interaction between infants and mothers. In order for infants to obtain safe attachment, mothers must always care about the needs of infants. When infants send out various demand signals, they should give positive and appropriate responses in a timely manner, and constantly adjust themselves to adapt to the infant's behavior.
Therefore, a good parent-child relationship must not be born, but in such a positive and appropriate interaction.
Parent child relationship is related to parental education
According to attachment theory, parent-child relationship can be divided into three types: safe, avoidant and contradictory. The formation of these three types stems from the different ways that acquired parents (or caregivers) treat infants.
In order to make children acquire safe attachment, parents must learn scientific and reasonable rearing methods. For example, all kinds of messages sent by children in early childhood should be sensitive enough to give timely responses, including positive emotional responses. When a child is crying, it is necessary to respond in a timely and appropriate way. Ignoring, refusing, threatening and other ways are not acceptable. Physical contact, such as companionship and embrace, is also important for children's safe attachment, which can make children feel the love of their parents.
Avoiding attachment and contradictory attachment are mainly related to the parenting style of parents, and most of them are related to the parenting style of mothers who are insensitive to children, ignore them, refuse them, and intimidate them. Children growing up in such an environment are often not particularly harmonious with their parents, which will cause various problems.
However, the attachment relationship is not static, it will change with the changes in the internal family relations.
Different attachment types behave like this in adulthood
The research believes that the attachment characteristics shown by children in childhood will still show up in adulthood, so adults also have the same type of attachment classification as children.
Safe children can naturally establish close relationships with others when they grow up, and can rely on others or let others rely on them with peace of mind. They will not feel uncomfortable because their relationships are too close. Avoidant children may be difficult to fully trust and rely on them when they grow up. Being too close to others can lead to tension. Contradictory children often worry that their partner doesn't really love them when they grow up. They worry that the other party will abandon them. They lack a sense of security. Repeated verification will bring a great sense of pressure and distrust to the other party. Sometimes the relationship with a partner is too close or too fast will scare the other party away.
Therefore, parent-child relationship not only affects the interaction between parents and children, but more importantly, it may affect the life of children.
How do office moms establish parent-child relationships?
The relationship between mothers and children of office workers should pay attention to the following aspects:
1) Clarify the true meaning of separation or non companionship, and do not conceal or cheat.
2) When you are with children, you should focus on accompanying them as much as possible, even if it is only half an hour. Do not accompany them while doing other things. Be absent-minded, and convey your love for children through physical contact such as hugging.
3) Affirm the child, often find the child's advantages and tell TA to help the child build self-esteem and self-confidence.
4) Understand more about children's feelings, teach them to express their emotions, and control their emotions at the same time. Don't take children as a vent. The rules are stable. Don't indulge when your emotions are good, and be harsh when your emotions are bad.
Father plays a vital role in parent-child relationship
Some studies have found that children with fathers involved in parenting have better reading and math scores than those without fathers. Others found that whether the father participated in the upbringing of children affected the intelligence test scores of 2-3 year old children and the academic performance of 12 year old children.
In short, children who have a father who takes good care of them will develop better in character, intelligence and language. Children who lack father love may grow up to be less masculine, and girls are more difficult to get along with the opposite sex. There may also be depression, anxiety, social withdrawal and other psychological problems.
In addition, fathers also have the following important roles for children:
1) Establish rules. The power of men will make children afraid, so they have more advantages than women in establishing rules.
2) Increase the sense of strength. Fathers generally like to play games with their children, and their sense of power will be transferred to their children during the game.
3) Accept the adult world. The father will not be as careful as the mother. They are relatively careless, but it is just this carelessness that enables the child to experience the real world, the real feelings of interaction with others and the correct reflection that needs to be made.
Try these tips to deepen the parent-child relationship
1) Unconditional love. The love that parents pass on to their children should be unconditional, and should not be changed because of their children's good performance, high scores, and obedience. Only when a child feels love, can it be self-esteem and valuable.
2) Affirmation and encouragement. Be good at discovering the advantages of children, and be willing to tell children that criticism should be moderate and only directed at behaviors rather than people. Affirmation and encouragement can help children build self-confidence.
3) Accept the child's feelings. Whether correct or reasonable, parents should be good at accepting children's feelings, understanding their feelings, and not commenting or criticizing. Accepting children's feelings is the only way to close the parent-child relationship.
4) Keep communication. Communication with children is indispensable. When you are young, you play and accompany. When you grow up, you understand and support. Maintaining communication and increasing interaction are effective ways to close the parent-child relationship.
