Previous Around the Mid Autumn Festival It was 2019, when I was just a graduate student, three years later.

I wanted to write a blog article on my birthday this year, but I stopped after writing part of it. I didn't know what to write, so I didn't finish it. Let's finish it together this time.

After watching the sixth season of "Top Mom", I began to write this article. Many of the ideas of this American TV series have a great impact on me, so I will first write about my wild thoughts during this period, and finally write about some happy things during this period.

No excuses, no complaints

When something bad happens in my life, my first reaction must be to make excuses. There are countless examples:

• I can't sleep. It's because of the noise at night. It's because I eat too much at night. It's because the wind is too strong on the way back. It's because I'm tired from work.
• Internal social work, blame some childhood experiences, blame parents
• Don't want to study/work inefficiently, blame the environmental noise, blame today's unpleasant things with people
• Life is not rich/interesting enough, blame the people around you for not having the same interests, blame your own living environment, blame the people you meet for not meeting your own needs

The above example, etc.

Some things are related to the environment, such as sleep and noise. But if there is no noise, whether I can fall asleep quickly without insomnia is not certain. Insomnia may be my own anxiety and stress. Work and study efficiency. Even if there is no one around, you can be inspired, efficient, and focused to complete things. Not necessarily. Low efficiency may itself be caused by low concentration. Life is boring. Can you find a friend to solve it. Not necessarily. Millions of people fall in love because of boredom, and then they begin to miss being single. It may be helpful to find friends, but perhaps the real problem is that you don't have a clear understanding and planning of your life, and don't know what you need to do. I also thought that the reason of character was the pressure of heavy and cruel study in high school, which was caused by boarding at the head teacher's home in junior high school.

In Episode 15 of Episode 6, Cristy spent Valentine's Day with her mother, "jokingly" blaming her mother for her inability to find a partner and her readiness to give up love, saying that she could not fall in love with someone in her bad childhood.

I'm sure it's your fault that I didn't love you
I do think it's your fault I've never been in love.
I knew you were ridiculous
I knew it. You're unbelievable.
I'll take you to a high-end restaurant to make you happy
I take you to a nice restaurant to cheer you up,
But you still managed to make me a bad person
and you still find a way to make me the bad guy.
A fancy dinner can't make up for a bad childhood
One nice dinner doesn't make up for a sucky childhood.
Listen, even if I'm the perfect mom
Look, even if I was a perfect parent...
I said "If."
Even that's not enough for you
Even then, it wouldn't have been enough for you,
Because nothing can satisfy you
because nothing's ever enough for you.
If you die alone, there's a reason
And if there's a reason you're gonna be alone forever,
That's why
that's it.

If you think about it carefully, even in happy families, there are countless problem teenagers. The environment is an important catalyst, but we still need to be responsible for everything we do.

In fact, "introversion" and "not good at social interaction" are not too bad. In fact, they are a protection mechanism in our growth process. It is precisely because of some rejection/injury in the environment that I become inactive, thus reducing the pain I suffer. This is actually a good thing, but also helps me avoid a lot of meaningless social interaction and focus more on myself.

Like Bonnie's attention deficit disorder, although she failed in the "college entrance examination", in her childhood, in many painful scenes, her brain would automatically forget these things.

So now, I began to learn not to always complain about the interference of the environment. Don't blame one bad problem on another.

First of all, start from the heart and look for the reasons from yourself. Can you do something to improve or solve this problem? If it is really a problem of the environment, then see whether you can change the environment. If not, you can either tolerate or leave.

For example, if you think the sound of the surrounding mechanical keyboard is too noisy to work, you can try wearing noise reduction headphones. If it doesn't work, you can go to the spare meeting room to see if you can work for a while. Finally, you can muster up the courage to remind colleagues or endure the noise.

For example, when you can't sleep, don't always look for various reasons, but see if you can find something to help improve your sleep, such as doing some meditation. If you can't find a better way, you can only accept the problem of insomnia itself.

Seeking power inward

The next step without excuses is actually to "demand strength from the inside", rather than relying on others or the environment.

As the "Jackie Chan Adventures" said, "The wise seek strength inward, while the unwise seek strength outward."

It is very fragile to rely on external forces. It does not mean not to communicate and cooperate with others in work, but not to regard cooperation with others as the core factor of your work.

The same is true in life. Don't regard friends and relatives as the core force to support yourself. This kind of external support is very fragile, not that kinship and friendship are not trustworthy, but that others will always have their own things and lives. Our life should not depend on whether others are happy or not. There can be input of external feelings, but you need to remember that your life planning, what you want to do and what you are doing are the core strength of your happy, rich and fulfilling life.

In the 14th episode of Top Mom, Cristy was always worried that her mutual aid partner did not like her. He always looked for time to say hello to her. He even found her favorite food from her inns and made it for her to eat. What made her self defeating was that she made something uncomfortable for her partner and made a fool of herself on TV.

I hope you don't get angry with me because of these things
I hope you're not mad at me over all of this.
Well, we have to nip the problem in the bud
Okay, we got to nip this in the bud.
Remember when I first started helping you
Remember when I first started sponsoring you
Let you write down what you are afraid of
and I asked you to do a fear inventory?
Remember. - Maybe you should do it again
Yeah. - Maybe it's time for you to do another one,
Because I don't remember you writing
because I don't remember you writing down,
I'm afraid people don't like me
"I'm terrified that people won't like me."
I didn't write it down. - Why
I didn't write that down. - Why not?
I'm afraid that will make you dislike me
I was afraid it would make you not like me.
Did you see what you were doing
Do you see what you're doing here?
I saw it
Yeah, yeah.
Didn't see
No.
If you always seek approval from others
If you always seek the validation of other people,
You will never be satisfied
you will never be content,
Because you made them your higher power
because you're making them your higher power.
That's how you treat me
You're doing it with me.
Finally, I was just another drunk
Oh, my God, that's Sports with Kane Stevens!
You don't need him to like you
And you don't need him to like you either.
I want it. - No
Yes, I do. u202d- No, you don't.
I didn't have many advantages when I grew up
Look, I didn't have a lot going for me growing up,
But winning people's hearts is one of my specialties
but winning people over was one of my strong suits.
That must work for you, but you don't need it now
And I'm sure it served you, but you don't need it anymore.
Let me ask you, do you like yourself
Let me ask you something. Do you like yourself?
Because you only care about this person

"Seeking others' approval", in other words, is the "ingratiating personality" we often hear of, but it is not a bad thing in fact, and it is also a mechanism of our body evolution. If we find it useful to please others in one thing, whether it is to gain sympathy from the other party or to obtain the expected attention and effect, we will continue to please others in the next similar situation. This is actually a kind of "reinforcement learning", which is not wrong. On the contrary, our brain is helping us to obtain the optimal plan.

But as the play says, "It must be useful for you, but you don't need it now". Pleasing others makes me more painful, so let me pay attention to this problem and hope to find other ways of behavior. Now I should rely on myself, my ability to get what I want, rather than relying on others.

Tell a story about myself. Three years ago, when I sent a message to a good friend, if the other party returned my message slowly, I would feel whether the other party hated me or not. If the other party regularly returned the last sentence without the next sentence, I would feel whether the other party did not want to chat with me.

Now I will analyze various situations. If someone is unfamiliar, who cares will not reply to the message and will think that the other person is impolite. If it is a person with good relationship, I know that the other person may be busy, and I will understand without complaining. If I don't know what the other party is doing, and the reply is often slow, I will directly ask why it is so slow and whether it is busy. If it is, of course, there is nothing to complain about. If the other person is not busy and often returns messages after several minutes, there is no need to continue chatting.

This does not mean that the weight of a good friend has become lower in my heart, but that I no longer rely on the feedback from the other party as much as before, making me feel that I am loved or needed. A dialogue needs equal relations and equal respect.

Don't force any dialogue. One episode that impressed me deeply was that Cristy was addicted to gambling. She gambled away all her fucking money for bail. It was still twice. My mother Bonnie hopes her daughter can go to the Mutual Aid Association to quit as soon as possible. But Cristy insists that she is not addicted to gambling. She insists that she has only gambled three times in her life. So they quarreled endlessly. Bonnie Seeks Marjorie *Help * Marjorie asked Cristy if he had taken the initiative to ask for help. If not, don't intervene. Even for the consideration of the other party, if the other party does not seek help, do not always stand on your own position to communicate unless the other party explicitly requests.

The same is true for work. Always make sure that the key point of work progress does not fall on external dependence. For things that strongly depend on external blocking, solve them as soon as possible to avoid losing control.

It's not as difficult as you think

In the first episode of Season 6 of Top Mom, Cristy dropped out of law school because it was too difficult to attend classes. Marjorie said at that time that I was very impressed:

you didn't think you could get your GED.
You don't think you can go to college
You didn't think you could get into college.
You don't think you can go to law school
You didn't think you could get into law school,
But you did it
but you did all those things.
We always look at the mountains in front of us
We always look at the mountains ahead of us,
Forget that the mountain we climbed is also difficult to climb
and we forget the mountains behind us were just as hard to climb.

After work, I always feel that my work is not good enough, obviously not meeting my original expectations. The people in the company are too excellent. There are 96 year old leaders who designed some frameworks two years ago, but still the whole stack. There is also a strong sense of C++code specification and strong code design ability. I always thought before that I was afraid that I could not achieve the achievements and heights of others. But when I think about it carefully, I actually went through a lot of difficulties that I felt could not be completed at that time.

Although the college entrance examination is difficult, it still meets expectations. The time for postgraduate entrance examination is short and the task is heavy. At that time, what I thought every day was that if I could go to graduate school, all problems would be solved. Graduation is also a big problem for real graduate students. I always suspected that I had no scientific research ability and could not write my own thesis, but I still finished my thesis in the last few months and graduated successfully.

So there is no reason to think I can't do a good job. Whether it's C++or Chromium, these are all existing codes and tutorials. You don't need to innovate. As long as you learn and practice in a down-to-earth manner, there is no reason why you can't do well.

Roof repair in sunny days

I also want to tell myself that we should be prepared before the crisis.

Maybe this topic is too broad and too big. In fact, it is implemented in every small thing. For example, when I buy a new electric car, I should prepare some appliances in advance, such as a car batch, so that when it rains, I won't worry about getting caught in the rain. Maybe the light rain is not a big problem, but the heavy rain will make the car dirty or cause some problems. If you are prepared in advance, it will really rain, and you will not complain.

At the same time, if you prepare well in advance, you will actually get good positive feedback. When you really finish a thing in advance, you will get a greater sense of achievement than when you finish a thing in general. I think I am smart and smart.

Don't worry, take your time

For a long time, I think I have misunderstood "Don't worry, take your time". The meaning of taking it slowly is not that this matter is not important, but that it is very important and can not be done in a hurry.

If it is a very simple thing, in fact, it doesn't need to be done slowly without worrying. If it is an unimportant but complicated thing, it can also be done roughly. It is precisely the important things that need to be done slowly.

Take personal growth as an example. For example, life is richer and self-discipline cannot be completed in one day, two days, one week, two weeks, one month or two months. This is a matter of taking your time, but it is really very important.

Don't worry and take your time is to tell me the way and attitude of doing things. Don't rush for success, but think about the rich details of this matter. Only when every detail is done correctly and well, can the final goal be achieved.

At the beginning of work, after finishing a task, I was eager to find new things for mentor. Mentor told me not to worry, but to take it slowly will make me feel that what I do is not important. Later, when I reviewed the real technical proposal, I found that there would be some details that were not considered well in advance. It was discovered that things are not as fast as possible, and doing them slowly does not mean that things are unimportant. It does not mean that I can relax my vigilance and fish, but that there are many details of things that need careful consideration.

I didn't hold on. It's okay

Everyone knows that "persistence is victory", and persistence is a highly praised quality. But how long is the "victory"? For example, it's good to keep a diary for one year. But is it meaningless to keep it for one month.

I think I used to magnify the definition of persistence so much that I didn't care about things that lasted for a short time. For example, it is a good goal to insist on reading an article every day, or reading one or two pages of a book every day. But the goal of reading an article every day for three days is not enough to become a goal. But it's also great and meaningful to stick to it for three days.

Many of my logs are recorded in the process of persisting for several months. Although I didn't insist on it every day year after year, I still appreciate the record brought by the short persistence.

Therefore, I can say to myself, it doesn't matter. I can persist from a short period of time, even if I don't persist, it doesn't matter. We can still be ready to set out at any time to restart the process of persistence for a short period of time.

At the same time, it is found that self-control is a kind of ability strongly related to personal status, which is different from other abilities, such as programming ability and learning ability. It is normal that self-control fluctuates frequently. When my body and mind are happy, my self-control will be improved. On the contrary, when I am easy to become an employee, I will usually be lazy, which will lead to a decrease in self-control. Therefore, it is vital to maintain good physical and mental health if you want to improve the probability of self-control.

Two "guidelines"

• Don't worry about what didn't happen
• Don't worry about things that have nothing to do with you

For some time in high school, I sometimes deliberately alienated my friends, because I thought that after graduation in the future, we would no longer be connected if we were separated from each other. Now, no matter how good the relationship is, it would be a waste of time and feelings. It's certainly funny to think about it now. It is ridiculous to give up the present friendship and happiness for fear of what has not happened in the future.

Although this example is extreme, there are many similar things, such as worrying about layoffs/worsening economic environment and not going to work normally.

In addition, try not to think about things that have nothing to do with yourself. The things that have nothing to do with oneself here are divided into two parts:

• Things you don't participate in
• Things you can't change

If someone complains to me (such as his family), but I give advice and he doesn't listen, then this kind of things will also be classified as things that I can't change, and I won't worry about these things again.

Happy things

Finally, share some happy things during this period.

The first thing is that I bought an electric car. Wow! Although I live not far from the company, it is still hard to rush to the road or bike early every morning. Electric cars bring me a lot of happiness. The first time I rode, I was worried about whether it would not suit me, but soon I liked the feeling of the wind blowing through my ears.

The second thing I would like to recommend is the "wet toilet towel", which can greatly improve the quality of life.

The third thing is that the electric toothbrush broke last week, and it can't be charged. Fortunately, we had a three-year renewal service when we bought the toothbrush before. Today, a brand new toothbrush has been sent to us by Jingdong Express. I feel that the power is much more than before, which is definitely a small thing to be thankful for.

The fourth thing is some souvenirs from some activities and games of the company last week. Although they are cheap, they still like them very much.

In retrospect, there are not many happy things. Maybe I need to start using the "happy things" tag to record the happy things every day.

That's all for this time. See you next time.