Xiong Ling: The Cross Road of Forgiveness Xiong Ling Psychological Counseling Sina Blog

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Xiong Ling: The Cross Road of Forgiveness

(2014-05-19 10:31:35)

label:

Crossroads

Emotional injury

state

Xiong Ling Psychological Consultation

Chengdu Psychological Consultation

Classification: Marriage and emotion

Mr. R's emotional distress and entanglement

If the quality of marriage is described as happy, happy, plain, tangled, and passable, Mr. R and Lil's four years from free love to marriage can be regarded as an enviable happy marriage. Not long ago, their happiness was broken by Lil's affair. The following are the key points of Mr. R's psychological feelings:

· Her betrayal pierced my heart like a sword, making me feel hollowed out.

· I kept asking myself, can our relationship ever be restored? Can I still love each other like before? But I have no answer. Of course, she is more certain, and she also does better than before. She works hard. I hope I will not leave her, and I hope I can forgive her from the bottom of my heart.

· About her: 1 She said before that she hoped that I would not leave her. She would always do well. If she felt that she had done her best, but I still could not forgive her and change my heart, she would forget. She hopes that her efforts now will be recognized and affirmed by me.

2. She said that she would stick to it, even if I would never forgive him in my life, and only hope that she would be by my side;

3. She said: If you really want to divorce, you should do it earlier. Don't divorce her or have a child until you are older, and divorce is not good for children.

She often cried bitterly and begged me not to leave or give up. When I saw her crying like that, I felt a little sad, but with a hatred.

·My difficulties are: 1 It hurts so much in my heart. How can I forgive her when there is a hole stabbed? two Should I forgive her? If we forgive, can we return to the past and ensure that there will be no problems in the future?

How can forgiveness tangle and explain?

The above feelings show that Mr. R's current mood is stuck at the crossroads of forgiveness. Although he has other problems.

In the pain of being betrayed (whether angry or depressed), people's emotions are not conducive to making judgments on problems and making decisions. Based on the difficulties you are facing, I think what you need to do is to calm your emotions and clarify several issues. The so-called appeasement means that we must admit and accept our emotional loss or anger, and it is better to express and release it without harmfulness. The problem that needs to be cleared up is around you - the tangle about forgiveness.

(1) Don't want to, or can't, or dare not forgive?

It seems that you are stuck in the crack of forgiveness, which actually means that your attitude towards marriage is at a chicken's edge.

Forgiveness is to forgive and forgive those who have done wrong. Therefore, forgiveness is not simple. It requires not only the motivation to forgive, but also the ability to forgive. Therefore, you need to first clarify whether you have a motive to forgive the other party.

From the first difficulty you mentioned, it is clear that you don't have the strength to forgive because there is a hole that has been punctured. So, in this state of mind, does it mean that first of all, it is not a question of forgiveness, but how can you repair the hole in your heart? The second difficulty you mentioned, "Should we forgive"? It means that you don't know your attitude towards forgiveness. Of course, it also shows that you are ambivalent about forgiving her.

Contradiction at least includes the motive of forgiveness, but you don't know how big the motive is. You can continue to feel it. But is the reason why you can't forgive just because of the above mentioned "you have no strength to forgive because of holes", or are there other hidden reasons? If so, it needs to be clear whether you don't want to forgive or dare not forgive? Usually, if you don't want to forgive, it is related to the anger of emotional injury, and there is hatred; I dare not forgive, which means that I have lingering fear after feeling hurt, and I may not be unwilling to forgive because of hatred.

If you don't want to forgive, then you need time to allow the hatred to be released and see if you can let it go; If it is a fear of "being bitten by a snake for ten years", it still needs time. While waiting for the wound to heal, we should repair our own fragile psychological perception.

（2） If you forgive her, can you return to the past and ensure that there will be no problems in the future?

This doubt itself shows that you really want to forgive her, but you are afraid to forgive because you are worried. The two points you are worried about seem very realistic, but they are unpredictable imaginary worries. This kind of worry reflects people's anxious character of looking ahead and thinking about the future and thinking about gain and loss. I don't know whether you have such a characteristic in your personality, or whether you have a deep sense of insecurity in your heart. You can analyze yourself. If you have deep anxiety, then the removal of fantasy concerns depends on the growth of your personality and psychology, rather than the guarantee your wife gives you.

You mentioned "whether she deserves your forgiveness". The way out of this tangle is that you need to clarify the reasons for forgiveness. It seems that you are clear, but the sensitivity and self-confidence behind your concerns will blur or even slander the excuse. I am thinking that if you consider whether to forgive her efforts, it is better to spend your thoughts on how to improve your ability to manage or control emotional relationships. Often, marriage that has been more than three years has experienced fission, including infidelity, which must be the result of mutual cooperation between the defects of both parties. However, the defect of fission production is usually not seen or admitted by both parties, especially the "injured" party.

Whether your relationship can return to the past depends on whether you can loosen the "hole" you hold tightly. Expect that when you change your view that "affair" is the cause of hatred and is an indelible stain, or when you give up your role as a "victim", you may feel that you and her are still the same. You may even find that you are new and grown up.

The value of forgiveness depends on the consistent quality of your relationship and its practical significance. As the person who hurt you (Lil), you can see from her performance that she has made introspection and good changes to her own mistakes. This "emotional injury" may be the turning point for her to grow up. For you, it's just a matter of whether you are willing to accept her - the turning point of growth. This proposal seems to return to the question of whether you forgive her. But I want to say that if you can interpret her behavior in this way, it will be a good reason for you to accept and agree with her.

To be able to forgive others' mistakes is to forgive one's own limitations. For people in the same situation as Mr. R, if they can walk out of the cross road of forgiveness, they must stick to the value of forgiveness or the reason for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a kind of realm, which needs courage and wisdom. Finally, I would like to say to Mr. R: if there is really a guarantee of "no problems" in the future, then only you can grow up - absolute confidence in your tolerance and ability to solve "problems" in life.

Sichuan Chengdu Blue Sky Psychological Consulting Agency Xiong Ling 2014.4.13

website: http://www.lantian99.com.cn/teacher/