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The emotional neglect of lack of love in childhood is also a kind of emotional neglect in childhood

February 23, 2016 life No comments Read 509 times

Self Examination Questionnaire of "childhood emotional neglect"


1. Sometimes when I'm with friends or family, I don't have a sense of belonging

I'm very proud that I don't depend on others

It's difficult for me to ask for help from others

4. My friends or family will complain that I am estranged from them emotionally

I feel that I have not realized my potential in my life

6. Always want to be alone

7. I feel dishonest and untrue in my heart

8. Usually feel uncomfortable in social situations

9. Often feel disappointed or angry about yourself

10. Judge yourself more harshly than others

11. Compared with others, I often feel that I lack something

12. I like animals more easily than people

13. Often feel unhappy and easily irritated

14. I'm not very aware of my immediate psychological feelings in many situations

15. Not sure what are your strengths and weaknesses

16. Occasionally I feel as if I'm watching other people's lives

17. Believe that you are the kind of person who can live like a hermit

It's not easy for me to calm down

19. I feel that something has grabbed me. I can't live at that moment

20. I feel empty sometimes

21. Secretly feel what's wrong with you

22. Lack of self-discipline in life, such as not taking good care of one's daily life and diet


Each of us, more or less, can realize that our childhood experience has an unavoidable impact on our adult life. Some of the effects are positive, such as rewards from parents and teachers or a victory in a competition. Some effects are negative, such as being beaten and scolded by parents and humiliated by teachers in public.

We can always recall these real events, and the impact of the events can also be truly felt. But there are still some "things" that we can't remember, but they can still have a negative impact on our life. It's just that this kind of influence is not because things really happened, but because they should have happened but they didn't happen. This is childhood emotional neglect
Emotion Neglect, CEN)。

The concept of "childhood emotional neglect" was formally proposed and promoted by Dr. jonice Webb based on her more than 20 years of experience in psychological counseling and treatment. Jonice
Dr. Webb believes: in a family, when children's emotional needs are not recognized, accepted and responded by their parents for a long time, children will learn to hide or suppress their true feelings, and the negative effects of emotional neglect will occur.

When a child feels sad, no one cares: "what's wrong with you, baby?"

When a child needs to be comforted, parents fail to notice or deliberately turn a blind eye to it.

No one asked the child, "what do you want?"

The child came back from school in a low mood. No one asked, "is there anything unhappy in school today?"

None of the above-mentioned behaviors of parents can be regarded as abusive, none of which involves feeding and wearing children warm, and none of them can be regarded as "traumatic events" as defined by clinical psychology. However, if a young child, at the age when they most need to be recognized and cared for, experiences enough intentional or unintentional emotional neglect, then they will experience a series of related psychological problems in the future.

Why is it so important for a child to be accepted and recognized emotionally? As a human being, the first task of a baby after birth is to establish a "relationship" with others. This kind of relationship can not only make the baby survive but also satisfy the baby's emotional needs, so that the baby's socialization can be carried out normally and healthily, and help them to smoothly transition from natural person to social person.

In this process, "emotion" acts as glue, holding the baby to its mother or other primary caregiver. Attachment theory holds that in the first year after birth, mothers should respond to their children's emotional needs immediately and consistently, so that children can establish and develop a safe and healthy attachment relationship with their mothers. The mother's response includes helping the child to perceive his own emotional state, accepting the child's various emotional reactions, and then helping the child to regulate his own emotion.

However, if children's emotional feelings are often ignored or misread by their parents, then parents inadvertently send an important signal to their children: "your emotions are not important", "your feelings are wrong", "your emotions are not accepted". When a child's emotional self is denied, the signal is equivalent to: "you, don't matter; you, are not accepted!".

Young children have no ability to resist and resist their parents' behavior, but they have instinctive survival strategies. That is to say, in order to survive, children will fully accept their parents' response to their emotions, so as to make corresponding changes to cater to their parents. If a child often experiences the above behavior feedback from his parents, he will gradually put aside his feelings and put them aside, or completely hide them. Only in this way, these feelings will not be found by their parents, and they will be able to please them in disguise. But in this way, for a long time, even they themselves can not be well aware of their emotional state. As a result, the outer self and the inner self are separated.

Growing up in such a family environment, people often can't feel their real emotions, and often doubt their inner feelings. Their emotional self has been denied and suppressed, and they have not been really experienced through the affirmation and acceptance of their parents. Their emotions have no foundation and can not land. It seems that they are always in a vague state. Their appearance may seem like a sound person, but deep down they are hesitating, lonely and empty. I always feel that there is something missing, where there is something wrong, but I don't know what is missing and what is wrong.

They can't feel their own feelings well, and can't perceive and experience other people's emotions well, so it's difficult for them to establish deep emotional relationship with others. I always feel that there is such a wall between myself and others, so I often have no sense of belonging. They always feel as if they are somewhere else forever and don't know where the world belongs to them.

Those who have suffered emotional neglect in childhood cannot believe their inner feelings and therefore cannot fully believe their own decisions. As a result, they often struggle with their decisions and often find themselves doing things they don't want to do. It seems that you can easily forgive yourself for your mistakes.

Clinical psychology has found that people who suffer from childhood emotional neglect always think about others, but seldom think about themselves. They are either unable to express themselves because they are not aware of their emotional needs, or they are afraid to express their feelings and needs when they experience them. The voice of the subconscious has been reminding them: my feelings are not important, my needs are not important. They may be used to smiling at others, but they seem extra harsh on themselves. When facing themselves, they are often disappointed with themselves and always feel that they have not done well enough.

Adults who have experienced childhood emotional neglect have blind spots in their emotional experience. They are not only unable to understand their own inner state, but also difficult to accurately understand the feelings of others. When they become parents themselves, it is naturally more difficult to understand the emotional needs of their children. Therefore, their children are very likely to grow up in an emotional blind spot and suffer from the same emotional neglect as they did in those years.


Author: Dr. Song

Link: https://www.zhihu.com/question/38368808/answer/76218304

Source: Zhihu

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