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What to do if I can't find a topic to talk with girls? I can't find a common topic with my sister

December 27, 2015 life Three comments Read 5354 times

You can't talk because you haven't mastered the methodology of chatting. Please see below.

How to chat with others is a topic of great interest to all of us, especially the problem of chatting with the opposite sex.

I have synthesized several articles that I have written before, and have the following methodology summary about chatting.

Starting from three aspects, we can practice after reading.

1、 Psychology

2、 Reasons

3、 Strategy

1. Psychology

I found that if you don't have a good mentality as the support and premise, you will get twice the result with half the effort. On the contrary, if you have a good mentality and enough self-confidence, you will have a strong resistance to setbacks. Even if you are strong, you will be more brave.


Do you have the following information:

1. When chatting with the opposite sex, especially with the heterosexual with high score and favorite, are you nervous and afraid, inferiority complex and worried about gain and loss?

2. Do you always guess what the potential meaning of a sentence is?

3. You can't communicate with high marks and like the opposite sex, but it's OK for people who have similar or even lower self-worth?

This is the first problem for many people with poor mentality. Why do you say that? When you feel that you have nothing to say, your mind is either blank, or you have been struggling for a long time to squeeze out 1 or 2 sentences. You are also worried that the other party will not react or say something wrong. The more you think about it, the more afraid you will be. This is similar to the situation of stage fright in public speaking or performing.

The core reason is, first of all, self-confidence. Behind the lack of confidence, there are two points.

First, an important reason for the problem is that you have such a picture in your heart. Although most people don't want to admit it orally, the subconscious of your heart thinks that your value is lower than the beauty you want to pursue. The reason is that they want to take value from the opposite sex. (you know)



(male and female identities are interchangeable)

Once you fall into this kind of thinking, you will not consciously think that you are a dwarf. You will naturally be nervous in front of people with higher value. You will be afraid of saying wrong words and negative feedback from the other party. The more you think and worry, the more nervous you will be, until you want to find a hole to hide or find a way to escape from the scene, so as to avoid inner suffering. But you want to get along and chat with the opposite sex you like, and you feel miserable under such contradictory thoughts. That's one of the reasons you get nervous when you meet a stranger.

Reason 2, it is also possible that you are a relatively homely person. You usually seldom socialize, have few opportunities to deal with people, and spend more time playing computer. As time goes on, your social and language skills will gradually deteriorate. It's OK to meet strangers, but you also want to ask for other people's value, but you don't have enough ability. You don't know how to do it, and your brain is depressed Into a state of bewilderment, and fear arises.

In front of the feeling of tension and fear, the general dating is associated with fear of gain and loss. Why do people sometimes feel worried about gain and loss?

And this kind of feeling makes people scratch their hearts, tangled incomparably, this mentality will directly affect people's behavior patterns, resulting in a simple thing will become complex or low-level mistakes, or in the process of chasing girls, let themselves in a passive situation.

The essential reason behind this problem is that "separation" is at work. What is "separation heart"? In a more popular word, it's called "heart of gain and loss", the mentality of worrying about gain and loss.

Each of us has two "I" in our brain. One "I" is the "I" that generates emotions by judging the good or bad of various behaviors, which is called "I 1" here, and the other "I" is the unconscious "I" of action, which is called "I 2" here.

For example, "I-2" after chatting up with a girl, the girl's reaction is not very good. At this time, "I-1" will start to judge, criticize and deny "I-2", and think that "I-2" is really 2. In this way, "I-2" will start to worry about the negation of "I-1" and be affected by it, afraid to screw up, thus limiting its own play.

We often see athletes in the sports field like this. For example, players who fail to seize the opportunity to score in a football match are mostly unable to make progress in the next single stroke performance in the same game, because in their hearts, they will say such a sentence - how can I be so useless. Then the next time you get the ball, you will care about the failure of the last time, which will lead to abnormal play and miss the opportunity.

In the process of dealing with the opposite sex, I believe some people have had this experience. For example, "peach blossom luck" is such a thing. For a period of time, you will feel that you can have a special hi conversation with any opposite sex because of chance. No matter what you say, those opposite sex can be captured. But if you put a lot of money into a girl, you will find it If you are always frustrated, you will feel that no matter what the opposite sex is like a steel plate to you, you have to think about what to do for a long time. When you do everything, you will be afraid to get negative feedback, because you are afraid of losing her, and people will feel anxious about losing something in the future.

For example, your grades are not very good, and you are afraid of ending the year-end examination. For example, there is a lot of employment pressure now. You are afraid of losing your job after graduation. For example, your parents are seriously ill and you are afraid to lose them.

Back to the common phenomenon mentioned earlier, when many people get to know a new opposite sex and have a good feeling for each other, their mentality changes. They become worried about gains and losses, and are afraid of losing. They also ask me, what kind of mentality should be used to face when chatting with each other, so that they will have more initiative?

Let me give a similar example to illustrate. Suppose you go to an interview to find a job, the general practice is to go online to collect information suitable for your position. At the same time, many companies will publish on the Internet. Will you only submit one resume to one company? And expect this company to apply for you. If you don't get a job in this company or even have an interview opportunity, will you only hang in this company?

I believe the answer is yes. You certainly will not. You will certainly send many resumes to different companies at the same time in order to get more interview opportunities and more company choices. Because you want to choose a company with higher salary, better welfare, convenient transportation, comfortable office environment and so on.

Generally speaking, you can't be afraid of losing before you get the position, because you know that even if you lose the opportunity of this company, you can choose from other companies, such as the boss does not play and the western company plays. At present, young people often change jobs.

So looking for a job is the same as looking for a girl to fall in love with. What mentality should we use to chat with each other?

My answer is: with you lose each other will not be a pity mentality, indifferent mentality, because he does not belong to you, lose each other, you will lose a piece of meat? Will you die if you lose each other? If you lose each other, will you never get to know the second, third, fourth, Fifth.... A girl? At the same time, you haven't become a boyfriend and girlfriend together. You haven't talked about marriage. He doesn't belong to you. Why do you start to be afraid of losing it?

Next, let's talk about the problem of guessing each other's meaning, which is mainly elaborated from the perspective of men.

You like to constantly speculate on the subtext of what the other side says. To a certain extent, it is the performance of insecurity. At the same time, the reason why you think like this is that you put the other party in a higher value position than you. You have such a picture in mind, which is the picture just mentioned.

On this basis, any behavior you do is to put yourself in a very low position. For example, eunuchs like to speculate on the emperor's mind and try to please the emperor. As a man of indomitable spirit, do you think it necessary to put your posture so low? Do you think that as an emperor, you need to guess what your concubines want every day?

As real men, you should lead women, not be dominated by women. Only when you have the initiative in gender relations, can you have more discourse power, and you will not be led by the nose by the other party, and you will not care too much about the meaning behind each other's words.

If you shift to the other party's will, your mind will be controlled or influenced to a certain extent. Do you think that at the same time of being affected, the other party will like the person who is easily influenced or controlled by himself? Generally speaking, women are conquered by men who want to be stronger than themselves. Isn't there a saying like this! Men conquer women by conquering the world, while women conquer the world by conquering men.

2. [reasons]

People often ask me how to start a topic with the opposite sex, and I often share some methods with them, which I often use and are effective, but the feedback effect is not obvious.

It was not until I had a voice interactive Q & A with some fans and students on YY that the problem was not so simple - many people had obstacles in communicating with the opposite sex, which was not entirely a matter of methods and skills. These problems are the crux of the problem that affects people's communication with the opposite sex.

Through a lot of communication and collation, I have summed up eight common problems that often occur when people communicate with the opposite sex

1. Speaking nervously in public;

2. Whispering, no emotion, no passion, no energy;

3. Complicated and wordy, without emphasis and logic;

4. Not enough knowledge, stories and topics have been reserved;

5. Easy to say wrong words, easy to be cold, easy to end the topic;

6. They will not continue the topic or change the topic;

7. Lack of sense of humor;

8. Local accent and even stuttering;

1. Speaking nervously in public;

The reason is very simple. Lack of confidence is the first. And this confidence is more about speaking in public. I don't know how to set up self-confidence, break through fear and overcome the tension of speaking in public subjectively. Second, they have not learned the systematic method of speaking in public. The third is the lack of enough experience to speak in public. Refer to the classic book pyramid principle.

2. Whispering, no emotion, no passion, no energy;

This is the first feeling you get when you communicate with such a person. If you don't know what he said, you will not be attractive when you hear the other person's voice. There is no breath, no cadence, no emotional ups and downs, no feeling the enthusiasm and energy of the other party. It's like meeting a zombie when you communicate with him. The most terrible thing is that he can't feel this at all, and he thinks there's nothing wrong with it. And this is also one of the reasons why many people still have poor results after learning a lot of speech skills. Because he doesn't know the nature of language, not exactly what you say, but how you say it. In the same simple words, your emotional expression must be many times better than your inanimate narration.

There are two simple ways to know how you feel when you talk.

First, use the recording function of your mobile phone to record a conversation between you and a friend. Then put it out and listen to it, and feel the difference between the sound from the audio and what you usually say.

Second, ask the friend what he feels. With this method, you can have a different perspective on what you are talking about.

3. Complicated and wordy, without emphasis and logic;

To express a thing, the logic line is not clear. There is no plan for what to say first and then. The language is dry and repetitive. It will make you listen for a long time, and you don't know what the other party is saying. You have to listen attentively and summarize and retell it to the other party to determine whether it is what you hear. If the opposite sex chats with such a person, how uncomfortable it is. It is still recommended to refer to the classic book pyramid principle.

4. Not enough knowledge, stories and topics have been reserved;

The result is that it is easy to be exhausted in communication, want to express but can not express, because the brain reserves too little material.

There are three reasons

1) Usually do not love reading, do not learn some new knowledge in time.

"When books arrive, you hate less." it means that these friends don't usually accumulate. When you come across a topic, you know little about the background, knowledge, anecdotes, and other related information about the topic. Just as there is no corresponding data stored in the computer database, it can't be retrieved. Of course, you don't know what to talk about.

2) They don't organize their own stories, which are suitable for sharing with others, or they don't record the good stories they hear.

If you want to have more in-depth communication with each other and want to advance their intimate relationship, if you don't express some personal or even private content, others will feel that they are not close enough to you. When you think about your best friends, they generally know each other's roots. Only when you know each other better can you have a closer relationship. If you take the initiative to share your growth experience, love experience, all kinds of interesting, special, frightening and even supernatural events with the other party, the other party will have a more comprehensive understanding of you, and the other party may open his heart and share her with you story.

3) Don't pay attention to current hot topics

What is popular nowadays is the most communicable topic, because most people pay attention to it. If you don't participate in it, it will seem that you are not gregarious or backward. And popular content is also the most easy to start with strangers, heterosexual exchanges, from these topics you can understand some of the other party's views, or even three outlooks.

The typical contents of popular content are as follows: movies, music, TV series, celebrities, books, games, popular online videos, popular network events, etc. When you usually surf the Internet, you will pay attention to it by the way, and often have the opportunity to talk to friends who are familiar with you. When you chat with strangers and heterosexuals, you will be relatively proficient and smooth.

5. Easy to say wrong words, easy to be cold, easy to end the topic;

For those who are not good at chatting, it's easy for you to synthesize into the legendary topic terminator in the social arena when you haven't adjusted. Originally, when several people were chatting happily, a word you didn't use in your head made everyone embarrassed. The whole warm chat atmosphere suddenly fell to the freezing point because you suddenly fell to the freezing point. At the same time, others did not know how to continue or resolve the conversation. Generally speaking, when encountering such a situation, experienced friends will directly make a ha ha, quickly change the topic, and directly talk about other interesting things, so as to avoid embarrassment. Have you ever caused this? If so, please keep looking down.

6. They will not continue the topic or change the topic;

If you have these problems in front of you, it's very easy for you to encounter this situation. You let the chat go cold, but you don't know how to immediately continue the previous topic, or directly transfer to other things that can be chatted, so that your chat can be back on the right track. You will be very passive. Generally speaking, if the other party is not good at leading the conversation, you will be embarrassed. Especially when the other party is the opposite sex you want to pursue, the other party has already made a relatively negative evaluation on you. Congratulations on taking a step closer to failure.

7. Lack of sense of humor;

Suppose you are usually a serious and cold person, who can't be funny and humorous, and can't activate the atmosphere according to the situation. Although you don't necessarily have a sense of humor to win the favor of friends or the opposite sex. But you're missing a powerful social weapon. A sense of humor is sometimes like a lubricant, a catalyst, a combustion aid. It can effectively and quickly close your relationship with others, make your relationship with others closer, and make others like you more easily.

8. Local accent and stuttering;

If your voice has a strong local accent or even stutters, it will hinder your communication with others. Others don't quite understand what dialect you are talking about and what you are talking about. Others have already shown their embarrassment, but you still insist on yourself and have not adjusted your language to the same frequency as everyone else.

Stuttering is a kind of language barrier, which shows that the frequency of stuttering is not consistent with that of normal and fluent people, and it also unconsciously repeats and pauses. This problem is completely cured by participating in corrective training.

After you know these 8 FAQs, how many of them are in line with? If there are more than 3 items, you need a course to solve the problem systematically, comprehensively and deeply. Otherwise, this problem will accompany you for the rest of your life, making you unable to play your real ability or charm every time you encounter a similar scene, and prevent others from going further to know you and understand your possibility.

3. [strategy]

After reading the psychology article and the reason article, I give a chat suggestion of 1 principle, 2 strategies and 2 points.

Principle: try not to talk about rational topics with the other party, such as how you work, where you live and so on. We should focus on emotional and artistic topics, such as entertainment topics, movies, music, stars, entertainment methods, constellations and so on. These topics can be discussed for a long time in the subdivision. Reference can be made to point 4 of the article.

The short-term strategy is to collect some emotional topics mentioned above, but please don't rely on them, because these are only materials, not decisive factors for chatting and feeling with each other, but just auxiliary, just body, not soul.

As a long-term strategy, you should make friends with lively people. Their energy field is generally very high, and their emotions and energy can be exchanged. If you stay with them for a long time, it is easy to affect you, and you will gradually become more open-minded and talkative. Do you have a similar experience? If so, please stay with them more.

On the basis of this premise, after a period of practice and accumulation, you will not be nervous in front of the opposite sex. When you are relaxed, you can use the materials you usually accumulate to repeat several times when you encounter interesting content, or extract it from Youdao cloud notes on your mobile phone, and occasionally look it out to have an impression. It is strongly not recommended to memorize by rote

With the previous preparation, the following two concepts will be involved, "state" and "inertia".

The "state" here refers to whether or not you enter into the process of communication with the other party. You don't need to think about the topic deliberately. Your brain will automatically and automatically appear the content of your conversation according to your chat situation at that time.

Entering the "state", you are the source of happiness. Like some music fountains in some squares, it brings a pleasant feeling to passers-by and tourists. Every time the fountain comes out, it will bring people joy. Even people run the risk of getting wet or just want to wet themselves to play in the fountain and enjoy it. If you can do the same, you can also be like a fountain, attracting the other person's attention and immersing them in your joy.

This kind of From a physiological point of view, "state" is that your body produces "adrenaline" through external stimulation, which in turn stimulates your brain and allows you to enter into a very hi unconventional emotion. At this time, your spirit is in a process of high excitement and high-speed operation. At this time, you will become very instinctive, and your language and behavior are more or less involuntarily obeyed Instinct.

Common examples: when you are drunk but not drunk, you are in a state of excitement. You will often do some behaviors that you can't normally do, say some things you can't say, or even keep talking. You don't need to think about them at all. Don't give specific examples. Please recollect all kinds of behaviors of yourself or your friends after they are drunk.

"Inertia" refers to that after you enter the "state", you will not consciously stop, because you are high in emotion and energy, which is commonly known as "Hi!" If you chat with others, you can enter In this state of excitement, the brain will automatically run at a high speed, say what you think, and even what you say may not be nutritious, but you still communicate with each other smoothly and the atmosphere is active, because you are not transmitting information, but conveying emotions. After chatting with you, the other party will always remember the current warm atmosphere, not the specific content of your chat.

Finally, let's sum up.

1. By reversing the wrong thinking, adjust their nervous fear, worry about gain and loss and other self-confidence performance and mentality.

2. Summarize the crux of your problem through 8 common phenomena that you can't chat with, and solve it pertinently.

3. Through the method of 1 principle, 2 strategies and 2 key points that I have given, I will improve my chat problem step by step.

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  1. There is no end to silence

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  • How to find a topic when chatting with a girl for the first time

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