Author: Xiaotian, the chief creative group
The biggest challenge in raising children is that they reach puberty.
My best friend has deeply realized this sentence.
In a short period of half a year, that sweet little padded jacket seemed to change a person.
Once obedient, now a bone; Once I talked about everything, but now I cherish words like gold. Almost every day, my girlfriend is so angry that she wants to cry.
She said bitterly: "Adolescent baby, it's just killing me. I really can't make it!"
In fact, most parents can't escape from the experience of their girlfriends. How to get along with adolescent children is a compulsory course for every parent.
Not long ago, at a parent meeting of the High School Affiliated to the People's Congress, there was such a PPT that became popular online.
It was written in the picture: "The students are the drivers while the parents are the co drivers." To be a good co driver, you need to do the following:
1. Remember not to grab the steering wheel, or you can do it
2. Remember not to keep talking about the poor driving. It's boring
3. Don't repeat the experience of driving a tractor in those years. Now we drive a tram
4. You should watch the navigation silently, pay attention to the surrounding road conditions, and remind when you are going wrong
5. You have gone wrong, and quickly say: "It doesn't matter, just go around a few kilometers more!"
6. I particularly hate the co driver who doesn't do anything, sleep, brush and shake his voice, and has no power to drive
The new interpretation provides a new footnote for the parent-child relationship in adolescence.
Adolescent children
A novice driver eager to go on the road alone
In the program CC Forum, scholar Wang Zhanjun once said a little thing about his daughter in adolescence.
That day, he drove his daughter out of class, noticed her drinking coffee in the back seat, and casually said, "Remember to put the coffee cup on the card seat, be careful not to spill it."
Unexpectedly, this seemingly ordinary reminder unexpectedly touched her daughter's sensitive nerve. She suddenly shouted to her father with emotion:
"If I want to let it go, please remind me! Do you think I will let it go or not? If I let it go, will it be yours or mine?"
In the face of his furious daughter, Wang Zhanjun quickly apologized and said he would take back his words. A parent-child conflict that was about to break out was finally settled.
Psychological expert Wu Zhihong once mentioned that adolescent children have four typical characteristics:
1. Want to be different
2. Want to make your own decisions
3. If you want to leave your parents
4. Want to find partners
In terms of words and deeds, their most obvious performance is that they are grumpy and disobedient, like a walking explosive bag, they react violently whenever they move, and any trivial details are enough to make them lose control of their emotions.
Why is that?
This is because children at this stage have entered the "psychological weaning period".
The so-called "psychological weaning period" is a concept proposed by American psychologist Hollingworth. In this period, children's body and mind will move from childishness to maturity. Their greatest inner desire is to get rid of their parents' dependence, have independent power and space, and hope that everything is up to them.
Once this demand cannot be realized, children will strive for it through a series of adverse words and deeds.
On the surface, this is "rebellion" and "disobedience" in the eyes of adults, but in fact, it is a necessary process for growing up and a normal need for children to grow up.
Education expert Chen Mo once said: "When children feel that they are not allowed to grow up, they begin to resist."
If life is compared to a road, then the adolescent is the novice driver. His driving skills are still rusty, but he can't wait to go on the road alone.
At this time, if the parents, as co drivers, want to control the steering wheel as usual, they will only cause a dispute with the driver, leading to danger.
Parents want to be good co drivers
The following points are key
Because of this, only by being a competent co driver can we help our children become "old drivers" in their life as soon as possible.
1. Hold the nozzle
Yang Qi, an 11 year old boy from Jilin, once came to the show Don't Go After School.
As soon as he came to the stage, he complained that he had a nagging mother, just like a mobile phone that never stops.
He also mimicked his mother's usual chatter. That lifelike manner amused the audience and made countless parents see their own shadow.
Previously, an organization had conducted a questionnaire survey on family education among 1000 middle school students. One of the questions is: "What kind of behavior do you dislike most from your parents?"
The results showed that 55% of the students chose "nagging".
Tang monk like parents can only lead to endless boredom of children. Just like a netizen's mental journey when facing his mother:
"I really can't stand my mother anymore. Although I know I can't do this and I love her very much, I am very emotional as long as I am with her. She complains and nags when she comes home, with negative energy exploding. I really want to go back to school, even though I don't want to be at home during the holiday."
Therefore, there are adolescent children in our family. We should stop preaching and shut up at the right time.
2. Bend down
The so-called bowing down means abandoning the idea of parenthood, thinking about problems from the perspective of children, understanding and respecting them.
In the program "Teacher, please answer", there was a 17-year-old boy named Xiao Jun.
He has a bad attitude towards his parents, not only naming them, but even beating and scolding them.
The reason why Xiao Jun is so disobedient is because of a small matter. It turned out that his mother had scolded him in front of all the students after school, which made him lose face. This made him feel disrespected by his parents, so he chose not to respect them.
In adolescence, if we still face children with a commanding attitude, we will only push them farther and farther.
Only by "bending down" and "squatting down", and communicating with children as friends on an equal basis, can we better empathize with their feelings, and many parent-child conflicts will be solved easily.
3. Set an example
On an education forum, a family education expert shared such a case.
A father was very worried to find her. He said that his son, who was a sophomore in high school, was obsessed with short videos on his mobile phone. He kept swiping them every day, and his grades declined accordingly.
For this reason, he tried to confiscate mobile phones and impose tough discipline, but they didn't work. My son can always find a way to grab back his mobile phone, and even more.
After listening to the father's description, the expert asked, "Do you usually watch mobile phones by yourself?"
The father was silent. It turned out that he himself was a heavy user of short videos, and always looked at his mobile phone in front of his son before. After seeing all this, the son finally got into the same bad habit as his father.
The expert then felt: "In adolescence, one action of parents is better than ten thousand exhortations!"
The times are changing, and the educational concept should also keep pace with the times. We may not understand children's ideas and hobbies.
Therefore, instead of blindly controlling and preaching, it is better to first do a good job of yourself, standardize your words and deeds, and become a better parent.
The power of role models will imperceptibly drive children to make continuous progress.
Help children pass through adolescence smoothly
Wise parents do this
A few days ago, I got together with my best friend again, and found that she was relieved from her sad face.
Under questioning, she told the truth. It turns out that her relationship with her daughter has improved a lot since she changed the way of education.
My best friend gave an example.
I also saw that my daughter was reading an extra-curricular book and didn't do her homework. Before, it was like this:
Girlfriend: "Why don't you finish your homework first and then read a book?"
Daughter: "OK, I know. I'll write it later."
(20 minutes later)
Friend: "Why don't you do your homework first?"
Daughter: "Well, I know. Stop talking."
(Another ten minutes later)
Bounty friend: "Didn't you say that you still haven't finished your homework in Chinese and English? And that you still haven't finished your math problems?"
Daughter: "I see. Don't talk."
Friend: "I remind you to finish your homework first and then read a book. Is that not good?"
Daughter: "I'm bored. Don't talk."
Boyfriend: "I have reminded you several times, but you haven't written yet?"
Daughter: "Are you bored?"
Boyfriend: "What's your attitude?!"
Daughter: Slam the door and go away.
Another parent-child conflict is imminent.
But now, my best friend will remind my daughter only once.
Girlfriend: "Why don't you finish your homework first and then read a book?"
Daughter: "OK, I know. I'll write it later."
After that, the girl friend will take out a book and sit quietly near her daughter to read. Half an hour later, she looked up and found her daughter was already doing her homework.
My best friend sighed:
"It's the child's own business to do homework. She will arrange it by herself. Why do I remind her? If she really doesn't write, it's OK to let her bear the consequences.
Most of the time, parents can't let go. In fact, we should trust children, who can handle it alone, and hope to do it by themselves. "
in truth.
In adolescence, we should return independence to children and allow them room for trial and error; We should also guide children in the right direction.
