01
I am a delicate person. After becoming a mother, my relatives and friends all think that I am competent and take care of my children.
This is especially true when accompanied by learning.
Since my son entered the first grade of primary school, tutoring children in learning has become the focus of my life.
Check recitation, tutoring homework, clocking in group They are extremely loyal.
His son's learning attitude and habits are strictly controlled, and he is not allowed to relax.
Under my supervision, my son was among the best in his studies and achieved excellent results in all subjects.
I thought that after laying a good foundation and forming habits, his studies would be smooth.
But I didn't expect that after entering junior high school, my son's grades fell all the way, and he was full of boredom with learning.
I can't understand, let alone accept.
Every day before going to school and after returning home, I try to seize every opportunity to educate him, hoping that he can learn from his shame and be brave.
Your attitude and attitude are not good, and your grades and achievements are not improved. What are you thinking about every day?
In junior high school, if you don't pay attention, you will be thrown away by others. You must know your heart and work hard!
You should listen carefully in class, so that your grades can be improved!
His son's attitude also changed from silence at the beginning to boredom and confrontation. Often, before my words fell, he would turn around and leave impatiently, complaining: "It's boring to talk every day! Can you shut up!"
He looked like this, I was also very angry, and I didn't know how to express my grievances: "Everything I did was for his good. He was not only ungrateful, but also full of resentment towards me?"
After the mid-term exam, the school held a parents' meeting, and the teacher in charge of the class also reported that his son has been in a bad state recently, looking around in class, and his mind is not on learning at all.
This midterm test was also not good, and there were a lot of basic mistakes, "I don't know whether I have studied hard at home?"
The teacher told me that if we continue like this, once we can't keep up with the progress, we will be left behind, and it will be too late to regret!
I was angry and worried, so I went home and prepared to question him.
My sudden intrusion startled my son. He hurriedly took a book and covered it on the table.
I went up and opened it. There was a novel about cultivating immortals hidden below.
I was so angry that I took the book, tore it in half and threw it on my son's face!
I ask you to study hard every day, and you are watching this!
No wonder the teacher said that your mind is not on your study. How can you read novels every day?
What are you like in the exam? Do you have self-respect?
I fully opened my fire and vented my dissatisfaction to my son, hoping to wake him up and get lost.
But unexpectedly, my son glared at me like a victim.
Looking at his eyes full of hatred, a great sense of powerlessness came to my mind. I asked him: "What's wrong with you? You were not like this in the past! Where are you who are eager to learn and obedient?"
His son shouted angrily at me: "He is dead! You forced him to death! He will never have one again!"
My son pushed me out of the room and slammed the door. At the same time, my son's heart was closed to me.
In addition to asking me for living expenses, my son is unwilling to say anything to me. In the face of concerns and inquiries, he only uses the simple "uh, oh," to reply.
Looking at my son's back, my heart ached. It was also the first time that I had a deep doubt about my own way of education - did I really force my children to do this?
02
I don't understand why the obedient little boy is so rebellious now? I said, cared and scolded him for his good, but he hated me!
At that time, I paid close attention to the content of parent-child education and learned many lessons. The most helpful lesson for me was the parent growth lesson of "awakening the learning drive of adolescent children". Here I not only learned effective education methods, but also made myself a confident and powerful mother!
In learning, the teacher told me that children and adolescent children need different education methods. The changes of his son are also related to his adolescence.
Before the age of 6, parents' words were all gold; After the age of 12, parents' words are "garbage".
Adolescent children have a strong sense of self-esteem and autonomy. Although they are still children in their parents' eyes, they have long regarded themselves as adults.
At this time, if parents are not aware of their children's psychological changes, they are still treating their children in a simple and rude way.
Then, a parent-child war is inevitable.
Many parents are used to saying harsh words to "humiliate" and stimulate their children, hoping that their children will be brave and strive for self-improvement.
But in fact, the radical method does not apply to the operating principle of psychology.
Self change and growth require strength.
Every change needs to mobilize internal strength to break the original habits; Guilt kills power.
The more you criticize and condemn, the more you will deprive the other party of the power to change.
The teacher's words enlightened me. Before, I always thought that my son had gone bad. He became tired of learning, rebellious and disobedient. He could not do anything I asked him to do well.
At the same time, I also ignored the special stage of adolescence. I still regarded my son as a child, and did not pay attention to methods.
I preach and scold regardless of time and place. I just hope that my son can listen to me in the endless repetition and then improve.
But I don't know. My son is very tired of my urging.
My intentional or unintentional humiliation and stimulation will only deprive him of the power to change.
Now think about it, the problems that my son is facing now have already been premonitory.
Those aggrieved eyes and unconvinced arguments were all suppressed by me. At that time, I was still proud of my son's education.
It turns out that when my son has problems, it is I who should reflect most.
Having understood the root cause, what should I do to resolve my son's anger and rebellion?
The teacher told me that as long as we remember two points, we can effectively improve - not consuming children in details; Adjust the way of communication with children.
03
1. Don't bother with trivial matters, don't consume children's energy in details, and learn to tolerate "small mistakes"
In the past, I was very strict with children. Scribbling and basic mistakes are all unforgivable mistakes here.
After every exam, I asked my son to copy down the wrong questions and words and analyze the reasons for his mistakes. When I didn't mention the point, I tore it up and asked him to rewrite it until I recognized it.
Then give him similar questions and test him repeatedly until he is completely correct.
Such strict discipline can really play a role in the lower grades. My son is serious and dare not perfunctory when he studies, so his academic performance can naturally be among the best.
However, with the growth of age, my coercion and coercion are gradually losing their effectiveness. The more severe I am, the more disgusted he is. Even if he does, he will be passive and far away from the goal.
Through learning, I realized that comparing with adolescent children, it is most likely to lead to a situation of mutual defeat.
Therefore, I decided not to consume children on small details. Those unimportant non principle issues should be tolerated.
When I signed for my son again, I saw that some of his scores were lost because of carelessness, or because he had some scribbled words in his homework. Instead of holding on to it, he gave a lecture on the upper level, but made fun of his son, joking: "This homework is written in a hurry", and let it go gently.
Where he did a good job, I will affirm and sincerely appreciate all kinds of tricks.
My son noticed my change and stopped being cold and evasive to me. The relationship between mother and son was warming up.
If the parent-child relationship is good, in fact, more than half of the problems will be solved.
2. Adjust the communication mode with children, instead of hard to hard, "soft to hard"
In the process of learning, there was a sentence that made me feel deeply.
"The education like iron will be as soft and weak as water if it falls on children. The education like softness will be as strong and powerful as iron if it falls on children."
On second thought, it is true.
In the past, what I did to my son was an iron education: command, scold, force, ridicule
If my son resists, I will suppress him more forcefully. I must "win" my son.
I didn't realize the seriousness of the problem until my son broke out in silence.
Through learning, I really understand that it is the best way to deal with adolescent children.
Only by giving up the expression of rigid force, stimulation and humiliation, can children put down their resistance in front of you and open their hearts to you.
After my son finished school, I stopped imagining the worst and urged him to "hurry up and do your homework. Don't think I don't know you just want to watch TV, tell you it's no good, and go back to the house to study!"
Instead, I care about him: it's cool today. Are you cold or not? Do you want to drink a hot drink before going to do your homework?
If the test result is not good, I will not ridicule him, but let him figure out the wrong knowledge first and give him the right to solve the problem.
At first, his son could not figure it out. He simply attributed the mistake to carelessness.
I began to calm down and guide him:
The essence of carelessness is actually a matter of habit and ability.
The first type of sloppy problem is sloppy examination of the problem, such as missing or wrong conditions for solving the problem.
The second type is called thinking jump. For example, when writing math problems, there is no process or draft.
The third type is missing details. The most typical performance is missing units when writing mathematics.
What kind do you think you are? Know your specific problems, then we can do the right medicine.
In this way, while being patient, we also teach children methods. Children's mental energy is no longer used to deal with scolding, but can devote themselves to learning.
Strange to say, the more I shared with him the information unrelated to learning, the more interesting things I talked with him at school, without urging him to remind him that "it's time to learn". The more my son remembered the time and progress, the more he took the initiative to end the chat and return to his room to take the initiative to write his homework.
He told me:
In the past, you forced me and scolded me. Although I know that you are for my good, I still can't help being angry because those words hurt people too much.
The more I want to explain and argue, the harder you say that I speak, which makes me feel bad and don't want to study anymore.
But now, the more tolerant you are, the more I feel I can't live up to your trust. And the more I feel that learning is my own business and I can make my own decisions.
My son's summary made me feel deeply.
When I stopped staring at my son with harsh eyes and bent on correcting and forcing him, but took his adolescence as an opportunity to repair the parent-child relationship and adjust the way of education, my son was influenced by me and turned to a positive direction.
In learning, he was focused and active, and no longer sloppy. Every day, he thought about doing homework on his own initiative, which was much more self-discipline than before.
The son's overall learning status has improved significantly, and his performance has also improved significantly. Especially after being recognized and encouraged by the teacher, my son has more enthusiasm for learning!
I also want to tell parents that when you think there is no remedy for the rebellious children in adolescence, you must calm down, change your perspective, stop "tearing and internal friction" on the children, and seek professional help!
No parent is born with the method and ability to educate their children, which is acquired through learning! Therefore, if you are worried about your child's turning into adolescence, becoming rebellious, bored, and unwilling to go to school, I also recommend you to attend the "Wake up the Learning Impetus of Adolescent Children" Parent Growth Class!
