(The original text was published on May 2. It was written by former NBA player Micawey, reviewing the ups and downs of his career and the experience of fighting against anxiety and depression.)
That feeling is more important than life. That year, we entered the final four, and the whole campus was lit up. In 2013, we became celebrities in Syracuse University basketball team.
That night, a grand party was held on the castle court in Syracuse. Everyone got together and was very excited. The music resounded all over the sky, but it still could not cover the cheers and shouts of everyone. Syracuse has no NBA team, so Syracuse University basketball team means everything. We were like movie stars at that time. People would take pictures around us on campus. In the town, no matter where you go, someone can recognize you and express love to you. On the basis of all this, I feel that there are too many positive energy things around me to guide me forward. It is surreal to be the best of all. That year was my last year at Syracuse University, and then I announced my participation in the NBA draft.
The 2013 NBA Draft Conference.
27 June, New York. This is one of the best nights in my life. I will never forget the scene of being with my parents, grandparents and everyone in the small green house. At that moment, I felt very strange. People around me were talking and watching TV. All the voices were very noisy, But when my name was called, all the voices disappeared. Everything in my mind quieted down, and I felt like walking through the whole process numbly: crossing the stage, putting on a hat, shaking hands with the president of the Alliance 。 That picture is forever engraved in my mind, as if I would never leave that place. The flashing lights kept on, and I stood beside Xiao Hua on the stage with a smile on my face.
The best rookie in 2014 feels like a career model in 2K, and everything is arranged seamlessly. listen, I've heard a lot of people say that I won the best rookie is "the general in the dwarf" People can say what they want, but this alliance will not praise anyone for nothing. When all the dust settles, the achievement of Rookie of the Year is meaningful. This is part of the honor of my career, But for me personally, this is also an additional pressure.
I am very satisfied with myself today, with my father role, husband role, player role and teammate role. I no longer feel the pressure, the pressure brought by Rookie of the Year. I can now frankly admit that there was a time when I really felt pressure. It's not easy. From people's love for me in college, to winning the Rookie of the Year, to the possibility that Micawei may become the next XXX or Micawei is so special, and then to
“ What happened to Micawei? ”
“ Why did his career come to this point? ”
From ESPN analysts to fans, they are laughing at me and trying to turn me into a clown. For a long time, I have heard a lot of negative comments about my name. To make matters worse, I really listened. After five years, I am no longer the innocent child on the night of the talent show. I began to become anxious and depressed, so that when I left the Rockets in 2019, I reached the lowest point in my life. What I have done has made me unable to look at myself in the mirror. I can no longer recognize myself. I have lost everything, my fiancee, children, work... everything 。
In 2015, after 76 people traded me to Bucks, I was very upset 。 I was really shocked, Because I have participated in the high-level dialogue about the future of the team, but never involved that I would be traded to the Bucks 。 I think I can gradually accumulate experience of growth. As the team gets better players, I will also become a part of it. What's more, my body was very painful at that time. I had to endure it for a whole year until finally I received shoulder surgery. After that, I was eager to return because of my status as the "best rookie". I didn't come back as slowly as I should, and didn't return at my best, which led to problems in other parts of my body. Nevertheless, in my heart, I have got the highest award that a rookie can win. I am part of the team's future plan. However, they no longer believed me. It was obviously a business, so I had to start a new chapter in Bucks.
At first, everything went well. We are a new team without any barriers. We have entered the playoffs. Although it is just a round of tour, you can feel that we have potential, are accumulating experience, and can play better next season. However, for some reasons, things did not develop like this, and everything changed the next year.
I want to go on the court to shoot well and play the best defense, but I just can't do it many times. In a few games, I defended well after going on the court, but I couldn't shoot a goal when attacking, and I also missed the chance to lay up easily in the game. At that time, my head coach, I felt that he had been staring at me, hoping that I could become a player like him. To be honest, I didn't agree with Coach Kidd at that time. I'm not a player like him. I think he wanted to force me into that 。 Listen, I don't want to blame anyone. I don't think blame is meaningful. I know that some coaches try to motivate you with negative comments. But for some players, this is not an incentive. For me, it completely deprives me of confidence 。
At the beginning, the impact was very small, but a voice in my mind told me that I must always keep perfect. I believe many people will feel the same when they read this. I think when I go on the court, I can't make mistakes, but this kind of perfectionism will make me collapse. Once I have this mentality, failure is doomed. I began to constantly doubt myself and no longer believe in my ability on the court 。
If today is the match day, the only thing I can think of when I wake up is the game. I hope I can perform well and simulate the whole game again and again in my mind, from the beginning to the end. Jumping, pushing after getting the ball, shooting, high five, defense My brain is buzzing all day long, just like a fly buzzing in my ear. When it's serious, I can't eat. At the worst time, I felt that everything around me was terrible, which might be a phobia. At that time, I would go to the toilet 15 times a day because the match was too tight 。 Once I really play, I will be fine after the first minute. But when I sit on the bench, my mind will return to that tense situation.
It's like something suddenly controls me, but I don't know what it is.
Depression is a hereditary disease in my family. When I was one year old, my grandmother committed suicide. This is a very sad and crazy story. She should have taken care of me that night, but for some reasons I was not finally sent to my grandmother's house. That night, she took an overdose of drugs and committed suicide. I was young at that time, and I didn't feel this for a long time, But in some ways, it was like a dark cloud hanging over my house. Especially for my parents, it was a painful experience. However, in my growing up, I did not really pay attention to similar things. I cannot solve these problems, nor do I know the context. I don't know what depression is or what anxiety is. I always concentrate on basketball. Other things are just floating clouds for me.
I come from Hamilton, a small town outside Boston, where there are many trees and people are riding horses. In fact, the town is very rich, but this is not the real story of my family. Believe it or not, As early as the 1950s, my grandfather won the land for building a house by playing poker with others. The land is located in the suburb, where my mother grew up. My biological father lives in the inner city, in Cambridge. Some places in Boston are really good, but in Dorchester and Roxbury, the infrastructure is very bad. I used to go to my other grandmother's house every weekend and play with my cousins in Cambridge. We often ran around the street and played basketball everywhere. So I always play in the city, but actually I live in the suburbs.
My house is very good, about 4 or 5 bedrooms, but there is almost no furniture in it. Ha ha ha, the family's economic conditions are not comfortable, I grew up eating hot dogs, McPheasant Castle of McDonald's and Ellio's Pizza (frozen pizza brand).
My stepfather is a high school basketball coach and teacher, and my mother is also a high school basketball coach, so we don't have so much money to live in a good place. I have been thinking about how to go to college. My family doesn't have enough money to send me to school, so my stepfather often said that I should either get a scholarship or join the army. I don't want to go to the boot camp, and I very much resist joining the army. So I made up my mind to get a basketball scholarship.
It was my stepfather who taught me the ins and outs of basketball games. He always told me to stick to the game and stick to it. My parents really like basketball I still remember my stepfather and mother took me to the University of Connecticut women's basketball training. I saw Diana Dorothy (the 3rd WNBA champion) shoot for an hour before the training, which is still the most impressive shooting training I have ever seen in my life. Her shooting percentage is ridiculous. My stepfather often takes me to watch the NBA Summer League. When I was very young, I saw Kenyon Martin play and Michael Beasley play in the Summer League 。 At that time, for a child from a Boston suburb, those guys were like giants.
When I was about 15 years old, I moved away from my parents and went to a boarding school in another state. I don't think I am 100% ready, but I am so eager for this opportunity. If I want to go further, I know I must take this step.
In a word, this is the price of participating in the talent contest. When you were a child, you had to stay away from your family just to have the chance to get a basketball scholarship from the university. After entering college, from McDonald's All American Star Game to sitting on the bench in front of all friends and relatives, I felt the first real adversity. Your lifelong efforts, the missed parties, the trips to AAU leagues at the expense of normal life, and all your efforts in the gym, The moment they were selected, they were rewarded. You must firmly grasp it and cherish it, because in a twinkling of an eye, everything in the NBA may disappear like this.
Some of my injuries were caused by accidents. My leg was caught by the screen, resulting in a hip injury. So is one of my shoulders. My shoulder was hit, and it dislocated first and then returned to its own position. It has been suffering from strange injuries. I was unlucky. The hip injury started in the Bucks. I had to undergo surgery and the season ended. That fall, I was traded to the Bull, and then I got chronic tendinitis in my knee. Then I signed a contract with the Hornets. I had a good time. I met Coach Clifford, who had a different and more positive idea of basketball. I played very well, until another shoulder surgery, and finally failed to return to the team.
In the summer of 2018, I was accepted by the Rockets, which is my fifth team in five years. But it didn't take me long to see the team getting farther and farther away from me. I was DNP by the coach. It was like the last straw that broke me down. I can no longer see the dawn at the end of the dark tunnel.
I just want to drown those painful emotions, forget everything, forget the confused thoughts in my mind. I started to go to nightclubs and often went out. I no longer believe in myself, but I am still fighting against the spirit devil I did something outside the stadium that I shouldn't have done, which made me feel bad. I was depressed about my injury. I kept thinking about why my performance did not reach the level I thought I should reach. Everyone thought I should reach the level. I heard people's criticisms of me outside the game, and I found myself trying to meet the expectations I had never set. I lost myself. At this stage, I can't even afford to live up to the honor of the best rookie, I just don't want to be seen as a bad basketball player.
At my lowest point, people found that I had done some stupid things. There is no excuse for this. Out of respect and love for my family, I will not say too much, but what I want to say is that I betrayed my best friend. Seeing the harm I have caused to my family, I am overwhelmed with pain. I deserved what happened next. My fiancee, Tia, left Houston with our six month old daughter. Then, like fate, I was traded and fired the next week.
My whole life seemed to collapse in my hands. After that, I didn't play for two months. I moved to California and stayed in a B&B and hotel just to be closer to my daughter, but my inability to live with them made me collapse. I fell into deep depression. After Tia left, I didn't even leave bed for five days 。 To be honest, it's hard for me to recall that time. For me, it was a dark time, and I almost erased everything in my mind. I don't think the world belongs to me anymore. Do you know what I mean? Whenever I go out for a walk, I feel that I am walking aimlessly, as if all people and things pass me by and have nothing to do with me.
Then my anxiety began to flare 。
One day, I drove to Tia's house, and suddenly I began to breathe fast. I don't know what happened. I feel like a 45 pound weight is pressing on my chest, and the wall is approaching me. I pulled over, tried to catch my breath, and got back on the road. After entering the room, I felt tingling all over and broke out in a cold sweat. I told Tia what happened, and she said, "I think you have an anxiety attack." This is the first time I heard such a statement, which surprised me. I'm really afraid, it will make me feel that I can't control my body. Later, it happened several times, and I learned how to recognize the onset of anxiety, and explored ways to reduce anxiety. If you have anxiety disorder, you will know what I am talking about.
During my stay in the homestay, I didn't have a job. I just exercised and worked hard to be a good father. This makes my life easier and I will never be distracted. I finally had to take off my blindfold and face myself. Every day I go back to this house that does not belong to me at all. There is almost nothing for me in it. I just sit there, immersed in my own pain. I have no choice but to sit there and think. In this silence, I seem to be inspired, as if at the lowest moment, everything becomes clearer. I realize that I have too many problems. I don't know where to start. I need to solve my career and family problems. But more importantly, I need to figure out what kind of person I want to be 。 I know I need to be better, but I don't know where to start.
A few months after being traded by the Rockets, Magic called me.
When I came to Magic, I got together with Coach Clifford again. He was my coach when I played for the Hornets. So he knows me and what kind of player I am. He is one of the people who appreciate me in the league. I have a very good relationship with him. I played for 10 days and performed very well, so I got another 10 day short contract, and I played very well again. Then I was signed by the team and played until the end of this year. I started to establish relations with the team, the boss and the general manager. Until today, I still have a good relationship with them. This is crazy. Because of this opportunity, I finally got rid of the shackles of negative emotions.
As soon as I got the 10 day short contract, I began to receive treatment through the team. I know that every player can receive treatment, and the team will not track who went to see a psychologist. I met the team's psychologist and asked him if he had time to talk to me. Then he helped me contact an expert outside the team.
I think at the beginning, they will be shocked when they hear that I have suffered so much, because you can't tell it from the outside. Every day when I come to the training ground, I will be very optimistic and happy, and try to become the positive energy of the team, because this is also part of my view on my role. I am not only a veteran on the court, but also a person who can inspire the morale on the court and ensure that the players play hard. I think it's my responsibility, so I try my best to do my best. Then I will go to see the team psychologist and say to him, "Hey, I'm going through these things." We discussed this problem, I learned from my own experience that there is no relationship between what kind of person you are on the court and what kind of hell you experience when you close the door.
When I look back, my mental state is like a puzzle. I must put it together one by one to start a better life. When I began to receive treatment in magic, everything gradually became bright. One day, I didn't know when it was. I suddenly realized that I was very satisfied with my situation. I am very satisfied with my identity, and I have accepted the fact that I may never return to Tia again. We have established a daily lifestyle to fulfill my responsibilities as a father. Although I don't live with children, I feel very good. I completely put aside perfectionism and didn't care about perfect family and perfect career. I no longer resist fate, but let it guide me forward 。 Things will never be perfect. It is enough to live in the moment.
Interestingly, once I put it down, everything will be better. I began to perform better in Magic, and my relationship with Tia also became better. We got back together, we had another child, and we got married.
In fact, before I injured my ankle, my performance was very, very good, and my mentality was also very good. Although I left the team last year, I still remained calm. I no longer play the "if" game, and I am very calm about my career. I have made a lot of achievements, and my life is even more wonderful than my dream. I have met many great people and I am proud to be able to give back to the society. I thank you for all this. I have no regrets, really not.
There was a time when I thought I was over, as if my best time had passed 。 I think, God, after leaving the NBA, the story of Mikawei is over, but the result is not like this.
My vision became clearer and clearer, and I began to see a broader prospect. My basketball career is so wonderful, but this is not the whole story. When you understand what I have experienced, you will begin to appreciate all the details in the picture.
I looked around, looked at my children, looked at my wife, Tia, and realized that this was the main line of the story 。 My happy ending? I must continue to fight for it. Today, For the first time in my life, I really felt that the best story was still to come.
Is there a better ending?
Original text: Michael Cater Williams
Compiled by: Li Taibai
