Recently, I read this book "Original Family", with the subtitle of "How to repair my own character defects". The deepest feeling is a sentence I heard long ago, that is, the growth environment determines a person's character and three outlooks. Previously, I only knew this point of view, but I didn't understand the truth. This book gives the answer.

Now sort out some key nouns in the book.

Emotional Yo Yo Ball : It means that your emotions are completely determined by others and controlled by others. At first sight, this is totally impossible. We are all completely independent individuals. How can our subjective consciousness be dominated by others? Pua, which is despised by many people, is also a kind of situation, that is, emotional manipulation. It belongs to the category of psychology and can be divided into conscious and unconscious situations. This is not explained here. After all, pua is only a small part of psychology. If you really want to know more about it, you can go to the psychology book. It is also necessary to set up defense for pua.

Codependent : refers to the two interdependent. For example, a drunken man beats his wife when he is drunk. This is always the case, and there is no divorce or separation. This is the codependent relationship. Why can the woman endure the domestic violence of the drunken man every time? Because this is both a codependent relationship and a“ Compulsive repetition ”。

What is compulsive repetition? Then the domestic violence case above said. Each of us has the need to repeat familiar emotional patterns, no matter how painful these feelings are or how much damage they have caused themselves. Because this familiarity provides some comfort and overall structure for our life.

I guess people are inexplicably worried or afraid of unknown things, so we like to live in familiar things and have a sense of control over ourselves. This sense of control may be just a familiarity with negative things.
We are willing to repeat the past pain or negative things, but we just hope that this time we can make progress smoothly and make the results change, often the results never change. This repetition of past painful experiences is called "compulsive repetition".

Emotional blackmail : It refers to using each other's feelings as a threat to make the other compromise when a dispute occurs. This kind of means is common between male and female friends. The reason why blackmailers can win repeatedly is that they can win the blackmailers' emotional yo yo, which is very easy to be pua. At the same time, the blackmailer cares too much about what he pays Silence cost , thinking that we have been together for so long, it's a pity to divide. But also understand that leaving people and things that make you miserable is also called stopping loss in time.

role reversal : refers to the reversal of the roles of parents and children, when parents give up their original responsibilities as parents and transfer such responsibilities to children. It is said that the children of the poor are early masters. As a child, is he willing to shoulder the responsibility of family so early? But the reality left him no choice. When a child is forced to assume the role of a parent, he loses the role model for him to learn from. This threatens his growing sense of self identity.

Then the case of the drunken man is taken as an example. The drunk beat his wife again when he was drunk. His wife hid in the toilet and cried. At this time, their child witnessed all this, and his heart was once again greatly impacted. He was also shaking with fear, and his face was full of tears. But now he still needs to comfort his mother who also cries in the toilet. His role has changed from a victim to a comforter. A child whose mind is still in the formative stage has replaced an adult to comfort an adult. This is role inversion.

Some say that children from single parent families grow up with bad characters, which is not their fault, because they lack models to learn from in their character formation stage. If the father met this matter, how would he deal with it, and how would the mother deal with it. None of these can be learned at the first time.

How to repair these character defects? The book says a simple way is to write down the things that have been tangled in your heart for many years. Tell yourself it's not entirely your fault. Especially the contradiction with your parents. If you think it's your parents' fault, don't choose to keep silent for fear of face and other reasons. It is necessary to boldly write all this out and tell parents. Because this is the present self to save the past self, because the past self determines the present self.

In our cultural environment, directly accusing parents or elders of their words and deeds will be said to be unfilial, ignorant and cautious. If you are still influenced by the past, don't compromise and live for yourself.