Note: In 2020, when I revised the article pushed on April 28, 2016, I found that I still had the old mentality.
Now the time for reading is becoming more and more fragmented, so that I can't feel the peace brought by reading. Even if I occasionally read books, I was also manic, and I suspected that I was suffering from mania.
The restlessness in my heart makes me feel at a loss in my work and life.
The colleagues around me are talking about work, discussing how to complete the business, or giggling and sharing life experiences, while I sit alone in front of the computer, seemingly working, but actually more lonely people are sad; My expression is like an ancient well, but the waves in my heart never stop. What did colleagues say? Sometimes I will pretend to work, and at the same time, I will raise my ears to listen to the conversation. The funny things they said also made me laugh unconsciously. I am also particularly interested in talking about someone, but listening, I return to a trance state. Sometimes I also participate in the conversation with my colleagues, but I can't listen to it. It feels like I was ill when I was a child, and my family forced me to take medicine and forced me to drink it into my mouth, but it doesn't all work. Sometimes when I pour it in and hold it in my mouth for a long time, I suddenly feel sick, and I feel that the whole person has collapsed. This feeling is mixed with desperation. I have experienced it many times in the office, and I am pained that I cannot be sober.
I feel tired. This tiredness has occupied my spiritual world for a long time. Because of tiredness, I have developed an egoistic attitude that is irrelevant to myself; Because of fatigue, I am indifferent to my family; Because of fatigue, I turn a blind eye to everything around me; Because I was tired, I didn't even bother to take care of myself.
Because I was tired, I thought of escaping from the society again and again. Su Dongpo's lamentation is also my consolation that "the boat has died since then, and the river and sea will live for the rest of their lives".
Of course, the ambition of fame also exists, but it is almost hopeless, because I know that although I am less than 30 years old, I am physically and mentally tired, and I am not strong enough to do anything. Before the midsummer, my heart was full of autumn scenery with yellow leaves drifting.
Fallen leaves are my destiny. How many people in the world have the same feeling about having to accept fate as hell and devil?
My tiredness not only implies my helplessness to my own situation, but also mixes with my unwillingness. If I fully accept my situation, have no hope for improvement, let go of all my desires and ambitions, break all illusions like an ascetic monk, and completely abandon the self realization in the world, my pain and impetuosity will suddenly decrease.
However, I was attracted by earthly fame, wealth and internal ideas, and my exploration and pursuit of immortality made me doubt all categorical affirmation and negation, so I could only talk within the great range I recognized, and always had reservations. This kind of questioning that doubts everything and refuses to stop is my metaphysical mania, which means that if I do not find the ultimate truth, do not expand myself infinitely, and do not have the capital to talk with any great people equally, I will die on the way of questioning.
This is a terrible state, and I'm worried that it will eventually destroy me. But where is the hope?
