Xiaoke's inquiry:
I don't know whether to forgive him. I'm in Guangdong and my husband is in his hometown. In October 2010, we got in touch on Q group. At that time, I was single after divorce and he was married. We gradually fell in love. His wife cheated during this period, and they began to separate in 2011. He has repeatedly communicated about the divorce agreement (without litigation, he does not want to affect his son and leaders, and he is the main leadership secretary). By May 2011, after he filed a lawsuit, his wife agreed to divorce by agreement, with all the property belonging to her and an additional payment of 100000 yuan. My husband has the right to raise his son. He began to raise money. At the end of June, I found that I was pregnant. At the beginning of July, he completed the formalities. A week later, we got married. In February 2012, I gave birth to my daughter. At the end of March, he picked me up in advance and returned to my hometown for maternity leave. On Q, he found that he had an extramarital affair during pregnancy (July November last year). In October, he proposed to break up, and in November, he really ended the sexual relationship. During his extramarital affair, he looked at me at least twice a month and cared about me very much. He begged my forgiveness and said that it was over. At that time, he was under great pressure and often drank too much. After getting drunk, he had a relationship with a third party (his leader was transferred, and he didn't arrange a better position, so his psychological gap was very big. The current leader transferred him to the idle department, and he was very depressed). He said that since he had let off bad feelings, he was unwilling to tell his male friends that he did not want to lose face. There is also vanity. The woman admires him. Out of curiosity for women, inertia and luck, he had an extramarital affair for several months. Later, his mood improved (his position was transferred), and he was afraid of influencing his family to take the initiative to stop. My problem is that at present, I feel uncomfortable in the face of forgiveness, can't let go, and in pain!
reply:
After reading your story, if you answer whether you can forgive him or not, you can forgive him intuitively. The reason is simple and sufficient: your feelings are still there, and you are attached to each other and care about each other; He has an attitude of correcting mistakes and pleading for forgiveness.
However, the title "Can you forgive me?" seems not so simple. At present, your apparent forgiveness is painful in your heart. Does it mean that you feel unforgivable, or that he doesn't deserve your forgiveness? Or do you subconsciously not want to forgive him? I feel I should forgive, but I don't know whether I can do it? Still don't know how to forgive him? These are things you need to think about again.
I guess most of them are "you want to forgive him, but you don't know whether you can do it or how to forgive him". I think we should talk about how to forgive him based on the reason. First of all, you should feel that if you can really forgive him, do you need him to do something in your heart to calm the resentment? For example, ask him to treat you better than before, ask him to reduce social interaction, go home early, do more work, etc? If there is any demand for him, you must clarify whether those "demands" are objective and reasonable, or whether you feel resentful. If you are really sad, you'd better not talk about demand for the time being. True forgiveness is peace without hostility.
Secondly, if you can forgive him from the heart, you must give yourself a time to recover your mental energy. Because it takes inner strength to forgive a person, and the premise is to comfort the injured feeling. Based on your current state of mind, you are "in pain!" If you want to ask yourself how to forgive him, you'd better ask yourself to comfort the "hurt" heart first. To be specific, it is to accept the fact that you are suffering, or that you are depressed, and believe in yourself that you can withstand the pain, because your emotional foundation is far greater than the emotional rift. Your mutual love and the need to be together are enough to arouse the strength that you can withstand the pain.
Any trauma has a process of emotional reaction to trauma. As long as you can give yourself time to repair, the pain will pass.
Any person who has reason to forgive the person who caused the pain, his forgiveness is valuable. That forgiveness will teach the forgiven what true love is, and will make the forgiver experience that forgiveness is a realm. In the relationship between men and women, the true maturity of a man's feelings requires his partner to truly forgive and tolerate his immaturity. I believe you can do it, wish you!
