The form of marital conflict is not as strange as marital problems. It is simple to either fierce war or cold war. Only the degree and meaning of the two are different.
The cold war between husband and wife is the reason why many female visitors seek help. They compared the cold war to the misery of killing people without seeing blood. It can be seen that the Cold War is no different from fighting.
Ms. Wu's feelings about her during the cold war between regular couples——
Wu: In the past, when we were unhappy, we always quarreled. If we quarreled, we would forget it. But for the past year, he has been like a log. He has a cold face and doesn't respond to anything you say. Gradually, I became disinterested and ignored him.
Author: How do you feel when he treats you coldly?
Wu: We are going through a cold war, that is, cold violence. We feel angry. However, he always cold war first, I have to do so, I hate him not to talk!
Author: What did you feel during the Cold War?
Wu: Bored and numb.
Author: Think about it. Do you want to talk when you feel numb and bored?
Wu: No.
Author: Is that your husband's feeling that he doesn't want to talk once he is bored or cold?
Wu: That's true, but it can't always be a cold war. You have no idea what he is thinking!
Author: What happens when you don't want the cold war?
Wu: I will be angry and force him to say.
Author: Then what?
Wu: Then he will make a few words, and then he will not say anything, but will be more cold.
Author: Then you return to the origin of the Cold War?
Wu: Oh, I can't help trying to force him when I can't hold it!
Author: Does that mean that what you should really think is why he has become like a log? What role did you play in the formation of the Cold War?
…… ...... Next, naturally, our dialogue can not be separated from two major themes: first, we can understand each other's feelings and positions, and the role and significance of both sides in the interaction mode through our own feelings and positions on the Cold War. The second is to understand the causes and countermeasures of the Cold War. These two themes are topics that should be paid attention to by all couples who have a cold war.
Motivation, significance and countermeasures of the cold war between husband and wife
one
The cold war is a common form of conflict between husband and wife. The cold war is a gentle violence compared with the fierce battle of shouting and beating. The formation of the Cold War is generally a forced compromise tactic after different fierce battles are fruitless. Of course, it may also be a reaction of fear or weariness of fierce battles. In addition to the feelings of tension, anger, and even fear, fierce fighting can also give people a sense of stimulation, hatred, and joy. Therefore, when conflicts occur in different relationships, it is easy to enter the arena with fierce battles. Couples are used to the repetition of fierce fighting before truce in the cold war. They are tired of repeating the cold war again. The feelings it brings to people may not be relieved and happy, but there must be resentment, anger and many worries.
As the main form of marital conflict, the cold war is more women's preference, and violence is more men's preference. This phenomenon may reflect the difference between gender and personality traits, or it may be the projection of a social and cultural phenomenon, such as patriarchal culture, utilitarianism, etc., which will suppress women's self.
Where there is repression (or individual), there will be conflict, resistance and means to deal with conflict. However, marital conflict, whether fierce confrontation or silent cold war, is an exposure to repression, a way to temporarily vent emotions, and by no means a conflict resolution strategy.
two
Cold war between husband and wife is more deadly than fierce war. At least we can see ourselves and each other's thoughts in the fierce war. The cold war, especially the continuous cold war, is equivalent to closing the door of our hearts to each other.
If the fierce war is an attack on an opponent in anger, the cold war is an attack on itself in restraint of anger. If the fierce war is a thunderstorm that exposes nature, the cold war is a harbor to protect nature. Therefore, cold war has dual functions: it can not only prevent aggressive destruction, but also promote destruction. In order to ease the conflict, the husband and wife had a cold war, avoiding the escalation of conflicts and the intensification of conflicts. But starting from the establishment of harmonious relations, the Cold War has opened the distance between husband and wife. The continued cold war will naturally breed many misunderstandings and injuries, which will inevitably lead to the cold burst of relations.
The cold war means that the relationship is rigid, and it creates a suffocating sense of depression and indifference. Under what circumstances will the relationship become rigid? Generally, the relationship is lack of connecting elements, such as warmth, understanding, tolerance, etc. When these elements gradually become scarce to nothing, rigidity begins. If the husband and wife did not dissolve the relationship due to the cold war, it shows that both parties have a potential purpose: to expect your warmth and understanding of me. However, the driving force for couples to endure the cold war is still the expectation of warmth and understanding.
The cold war also means that both sides have hatred for emotional indifference. Luo Luomei said, "Apathy is the atrophy of emotion. Hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is the opposite of love. Similarly, the opposite of will is not to hesitate, but to stay out of things or have relations with you." Indeed, what people fear most is that others do not take you back. In marriage and family, the greatest harm to people is indifference, and the greatest harm is that you do not exist in the relationship. The husband and wife, either of whom has personality or psychological defects, are likely to bring suspicion, hostility, control, etc. into the relationship, and eventually cover the relationship with indifference.
three
We also found that fighting in marriage can at least prove that people can influence others, such as resistance, divorce, etc., while indifference can make people feel like wood.
Therefore, warmth and understanding are the nuclear power for building marriage. Couples in the cold war have room to reflect: what does his/her indifference mean? What drives me to swear not to resist, nor to make up? What do I want to achieve through the Cold War?
As mentioned earlier, Ms. Wu needs to understand your cold war and your husband's silence. Although it is a strange state, it is you and your husband's way of avoiding direct attack. Like Ms. Wu, many women like to blame and force their husbands to "speak clearly", which will sooner or later turn their husbands into dummies in front of you and turn marriage into a cold place.
The cold war, although it implies the retreat of emotion and love, and that you are insignificant in my heart, is necessary in a family with conflicts, entanglements and chaos.
If both parties do not end their marriage due to the cold war, and also want to change the cold war model, then both parties need to be willing to believe that the cold war is a strong demand signal: the demand for warmth and understanding is a kind of unspeakable need to be tolerated, such as temporary sadness, depression, worry, and waiting. As long as any party can first accept the unspeakable, continuous and gentle, the stalemate of the relationship will be broken, and harmony will inevitably reappear.
(For the original article, please indicate the source of the article if it is reproduced, Sichuan Chengdu Blue Sky Psychological Consulting Agency Xiong Ling Commercial reprint, please contact first)
Sichuan Chengdu Blue Sky Psychological Consulting Agency Xiong Ling 2011.3.22.
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