——Communication with girls who are "unable to love"
Girl: Hello, Mr. Xiong Ling, I want to ask why I am so quick to "like the new and hate the old" for boys. Even if he is a prince, I have not been with him for a month. I slowly found his shortcomings in daily life, and also found that he is no different from ordinary people, but I felt that the high expectations of him had suddenly dropped, Are you becoming more and more disgusted with him?
Author: When you love him in your imagination, the joy he gives you is naturally short-lived. To be exact, the joy that love gives you will be fleeting. Because illusions are illusions, when time restores the real one, you will find that the original favorite illusion (he) has disappeared.
If your love is always carried out by loving him in fantasy, you will be on the track of "liking the new and hating the old". Even if he is a prince, after a short time together, you will find that he has ordinary shortcomings, and because he has shortcomings, you will abandon him, indicating that you like the phantom prince rather than the real ordinary person.
In reality, there is no prince. What you love is that there is no prince in reality.
Girl: Actually, I also know that I think this is wrong. To be frank is to deceive myself. How can there be such a "perfect" person in the world who doesn't eat people? I just can't convince myself. Maybe I read too much about perfect novels when I was young, and was deeply influenced by perfect romantic idol dramas, so I could not walk out of the "love utopia" world I designed. Those boys who pursue me all say: Can't you be more realistic. To tell the truth, I also want to be realistic, but I can't convince the inner self and the soul.
Author: I feel the pain that you can't love. I also feel the love utopia behind your pain. You are very clear about your pain point, but you are unwilling to abandon it. Is it because it is the love world that you built with your heart, and to walk out is to abandon love, even if it is a mirage?
Behind everyone's "I know everything, but I can't control it", there is a fear child with grievances and resentment. Otherwise, he would not always "knowingly commit", but only punish himself every time he makes a mistake. Unconscious hatred of human beings remains unsolved, and those who cannot control it will continue to commit crimes as usual.
I wonder if there is some kind of potential grievance and resentment behind you, "knowing this is wrong, but it is a key crime"? How do you understand that when you find others have shortcomings, you will be so disgusted with others?
As you said, influenced by the idol drama, your heart is full of the perfect person in the novel. Although you know this is unrealistic, your feeling tells you that "thinking about and loving the perfect object in your heart" is both exciting and romantic, both safe and in control. Over time, anyone will become intoxicated and fall in love with this feeling, even externalize this feeling (also called psychological feeling, psychological logic), and meet and treat people in reality.
It is a common trait of people in their youth to love the perfection in their hearts and the projection of their own ideals. This is exactly why you can't convince the self willed and perfect self inside, deep in the soul. However, who can give up the inner perfect self?
But I believe that when you wake up in your youth, you will accept the imperfection of reality.
Girl: My own conditions are good. Everyone thinks I'm a beauty, but to be honest, I haven't even talked about a formal love. It's just a bit of a flirtation. I made a promise to myself that I would rather lack than abuse. I have been waiting for my ideal "prince" to appear. I tested that the color of my soul is purple, always hovering between heaven and hell, a woman standing at both ends of the scale, that is to say, I am extreme when thinking about problems. But sometimes I really want to have a formal relationship and find a boy who can really care for me!
Author: When the youth dream is not awakened, the prince in your heart will continue to create ideal love for you. In other words, when you are still attached to youth and romance, it is you and the prince in your heart who are knitting a love dream together. If you believe that your "purple of soul" means wandering between heaven and hell, then you need to answer yourself, can you bear the turbulence and anxiety at both ends of the scale? If you really want to fall in love formally, you also need to be sure to say to your soul (no matter what color she is): I enjoy the romantic care of heaven, but also accept the waste and pay of hell.
Girl: There are two other problems. Even if I meet the prince, I will hate him and find fault with him as long as I get along with him for a period of time. Please help me analyze and help me get out of this strange psychological mode, so that I can become more realistic and practical. Don't be so harsh on boys, and don't be so quick to have a "new hating old" mentality. In addition, if I find an ordinary boy who is not as good as me, I will not be reconciled or willing to. If I find a casual version of the type of handsome boy I like, and I think people will not dislike my shortcomings, will I show another self?
Author: As I said before, when you love the imaginary person, the joy that love brings to you is fleeting. The compulsive repetition of the old and the new is actually a fixation on the ideal self in your heart, but you unconsciously project the ideal self to others. Therefore, you often find that he is not the ideal illusion you want. Is it possible to say that your narcissism is behind your inability to love? Because you only love the ideal illusion in your heart, or only love the part of others that belongs to you.
To get out of the strange psychological mode, you should first see clearly and admit that you are a person with both advantages and disadvantages like others. The premise of being able to love others is to accommodate their shortcomings.
As mentioned earlier, the real problem is your aversion to other people's shortcomings. Uncontrollable criticism and demanding of people means anger or retaliatory attack. But I don't know, girl, what kind of pain did you have in your past and your heart, or something else?. If "a person hates others, he must also hate his own part of others. What has nothing to do with him will not bother us" is correct. From this perspective, you can also say that you are picky and hate him in your illusion.
Girl: Actually, I understand that love is like swimming. You have to go into the water to learn. It's useless to just dream. But for some ordinary boys, I don't even want to give them a chance. When I am with a handsome boy, I think he is better than me. I doubt whether he will really like me, or just play with me? As I said before, I am a girl with extreme ideas, either heaven or hell, or I think a person is too perfect and noble, or I think a person is worthless
Author: The reason why we want to love but cannot really love is that we still have doubts in our hearts, and we have worries and fears about the outcome of the situation. As far as love is concerned, you don't like ordinary boys, so you naturally give up opportunities to them. You like handsome boys, but you don't believe that they will love you, and you won't give them a chance. This shows that behind the impossibility of love, there is contempt and fear. You despise the weak and mediocre, and you fear the deception and abandonment of the "perfect". To avoid these injuries, we have to stay on the shore.
Indeed, just like swimming, falling in love can only be learned through swimming, and the acquisition of love requires the action of love. You know a lot of reasons. It seems that you are almost brave.
You expressed a strong desire to "get out of the strange psychological mode and become more realistic and practical". I believe you will think deeply and do this: first accept the imperfect self, then accept others who have strengths and weaknesses. Love is to allow the existence of evil in human nature. Love is the connection between the two parties to each other's independence and true self.
Girl: Thank you very much, Miss Xiong Ling, for your answer. Your words really touched my heart and pointed out my pain. Now I have tried to go out of the "love utopia" world that I built up by myself, but does not exist, and try to find the boy who resonates with my heart, instead of requiring him to be a handsome boy.
I always thought of myself as that wayward little princess, only allowing myself to make mistakes and not allowing others to make mistakes. I'm really naive and selfish I'm not that extreme anymore. There is a good saying that you should do whatever you are afraid of and face the things that make you afraid. I think it's time to face my heart. It's impossible to imagine that the prince in the fairy tale will appear in reality. I'm not a princess either. I should face up to my worries and fears. Although I don't know what I'm afraid of In my growing experience, I have never suffered anything big. But now, at least I know what I should do. Thank you very much! Here, I want to say that psychological counseling is really a sacred profession. I wish you a happy job and can help more people out of confusion and difficulties. Please accept me, a growing girl, for your love!
