Understanding and the need for understanding are rare and simple needs of people. People can feel the existence of understanding at any time, but they can't find it at any time.
People feel comfortable because they can understand or be understood, and sad because they cannot understand or not be understood. The saying "Long live understanding" has covered the weight of understanding in people's minds.
We understand that many people's troubles stem from the lack of understanding in interpersonal communication. But to be precise, it should be that the source of human distress is not a lack of understanding, but a lack of attitude of acceptance and incomprehension.
Because there are more incomprehensible or incomprehensible things in life than understanding.
People pursue understanding and being understood excessively, but they always encounter puzzlement.
The premise of understanding is understanding. Many people know the importance of understanding, but they do not understand. Without in-depth understanding of their own personality, they cannot accurately understand others and are difficult to gain understanding.
For example, there are too many "knowingly committing crimes" in life:
·I know I have to solve my own problems by myself, but I don't know why I always rely on others.
·I know it's bad to hit my wife, but I can't control it; I know what to do, but I just can't do it.
·I know that the earthquake has passed, and the aftershocks have also weakened and decreased, but I always feel that the earth is shaking when I stand and sit, and my fear and anxiety affect my life. Why is this?
·I know learning is very important, but I just can't learn it.
·I hate his hypocrisy, but I don't know why I cater to his hypocrisy.
·I understand many reasons, but I am still unhappy.
People who are worried about this always emphasize "I know I know" and repeat the behavior behind "but". Any question of "why do you (me)" is a puzzle. In theory, if you don't understand yourself, it is difficult to understand and be understood by others. In fact, if you understand yourself, you may not be able to understand others; It is not necessarily that you can be understood if you understand others well. In fact, we all understand the truth very well in theory, but in reality we always encounter unreasonable embarrassment and helplessness.
In fact, everyone knows that people should treat others with honesty and responsibility; In dealing with conflicts, we should be more rational, realistic, correct analysis and judgment; When facing adversity, we should choose independence and firmness; Don't forget yourself in victory, and don't be discouraged in frustration; When encountering injury or grievance, we should be more tolerant, magnanimous and receptive. In this way, we will feel peaceful and happy. But in fact, when things or situations are put in front of us, we find that those things are far away from us, while selfishness, narrowness, anxiety, anger, and mutual suspicion, blame, complaint, and attack are many and near. It's too much for you to understand, too close for you to breathe.
Perhaps, why "people understand the truth of being a man, but do not follow the truth" is the real mystery. Perhaps, human nature is unreasonable.
Knowing the truth of being a man is the result of human training culture. It is the need of human ideal self or superego to get along with people rationally; Unreasonable is the explosion of human nature (freedom, happiness desire) against cultural constraints and the need of human id. This is how people live in conflicting desires. We should not only meet the various needs of civilization of social people, but also meet many natural needs of natural people. Desire can not be fulfilled, which is a permanent problem for some people, and they are in distress and pain; For some people, it is a permanent topic, but live in the happiness that can accept and give up.
I can't understand the confusion of "I know everything, but I can't do it". Understanding from the happiness principle of human nature, people need simplicity, enjoyment and dependence, while avoiding trouble and anxiety. Doing something is a kind of giving, which will inevitably consume energy and affect your acceptance of pleasure. Just like people who like delicious food, they are happy to eat delicious food and anxious to cook delicious food. Comprehended from the psychological depth, it is a phenomenon of human nature split under the demand of high civilization for human happiness. Today, human evolution has stimulated human beings' numerous and complicated desires. In other words, while civilization has brought profound excitement to human beings, it has also created pressure, worry and anxiety to human beings. With the development of culture, people can quickly master knowledge and understand the truth, and also quickly have psychological realities such as contradictions, anxiety, inferiority, doubt, and withdrawal that can not keep up with cultural requirements. Therefore, people's ideal self and real self (or people's superego and id) often feel in a state of separation. Civilization has also produced psychoanalysis, philosophy, religion and other in-depth psychology to understand (explain) the complex psychological reality behind people's behavior and behavior.
Pain comes from fear. "I" often feel uneasy and threatened. I don't know who the real "I" is. What I know is just the emptiness and disappointment of "what should be but can't be". People's biggest puzzle is people themselves. An elephant trainer's son, Pei Sa, visited the Buddha and said, "I have no doubt about elephants, because I know their intentions and what they want to do. As long as they master their intentions, they will obey my command. But I have many doubts about people. People always say one thing and do another." The Buddha replied, "You are right, because elephants live in the jungle of the world, but people live in the jungle of their hearts. We always think how things should be done and have reasonable reasons, but we do not thoroughly understand and examine our own inner reality and behavior.
Those people who "I know everything, that is, they are unhappy" seem to be always faced with comprehensive consideration of physiological, psychological and social factors when making choices, so they are anxious, difficult to choose, and difficult to act. Their inner logic is that everything must be considered carefully to ensure the right choice, just in case. They do not understand that there is no right choice in the world, nor do they understand that thinking can not prevent "just in case". They do not understand that behind their seemingly serious and rational attitude is the need for absolute security, nor do they understand that the source of their distress is the conflict with their inner desire, and is related to their lack of independence, dependence, obstinacy and other immature personalities.
Unhappiness is confusion. In other words, people in distress do not understand the premise of happiness. The premise of happiness is to understand whether you have the ability to achieve happiness, which includes people's skills, flexible personality and thinking ability, the most important of which is people's ability to give up. Because human suffering is mainly related to what must be put down but cannot be put down. If you can't let go of your achievements, honor, status, face, etc., you can't let go of your family, love, conscience, responsibility, etc. It is difficult to understand who wants to put these aside. The former is a pain of mental loss, and the latter is a pain of conscience suffering. But to relieve pain and live a relaxed life, people really need the ability to give up when necessary, which also means the ability to bear pain.
The realm of understanding is acceptance.
The first is to be able to accept differences. For example, the simple and main crux of marital conflict is that there is no difference. The quarrel itself shows that both husband and wife have "reason" but are not understood by the other side. The quarrel is not only a defense to protect the aggrieved, but also an attack to vent anger for the aggrieved. Trouble is to get into a struggle in order not to lose "reason", at the cost of losing warmth. Therefore, please understand that a quarrel is a difference between the two parties, whether it is a difference in values, living habits or behavior. Understanding differences is the "right" characteristic of each person, not the "foreign matter" that attacks each other. Understanding differences is the truth on both sides of the gap. Harmony of relations depends on both sides' respect for truth and acceptance of differences.
The second is to accept incomprehension. We demand that we must act according to the principles of being human, but we also accept the irrationality that we sometimes fail to be reasonable, that is, to allow ourselves to have irrational emotions or behaviors sometimes, and to allow us to accept the puzzlement that exists in life.
For example, understand the paradox in life:
·You are on the front line of the disaster area, working day and night, desperate for earthquake relief, and some people stand by and say that you want to be a hero to earn performance. But earthquake relief is still needed.
·You rush to the disaster area to save lives and suffering. Some people say that you are satisfied with your rescue complex. But we still need help.
·You (an old man in Chengdu, whose name I forgot) fought for several hundred yuan and several thousand yuan by picking up rags and donating them to the disaster area again and again, but your home is very humble. Some people say you are a fool. But we still need to donate.
·You always love doing good, people will say you are out of selfish ulterior motives. But do good.
·When you give your love to others, you will be bitten back. But still love.
·People really need help, but when you really help them, they may attack you. But help others.
·If you want to succeed, you will get false friends and true enemies. But we must succeed.
·You are honest, but you are hurt. But be honest with others.
... This is the meeting of human simplicity and treachery, the collision of human kindness and weakness.
Man, strange creature, it's really difficult to understand you. Life, a wonderful world, has too many understandable beauties, but also countless inexplicable absurdities.
Understand those people who do not understand. They are illogical, unreasonable and self centered when they are weak and show their selfishness and mania. Accepting those unknowns does not mean conniving at human weakness, but only understanding can accommodate weakness and repair defects.
Understand that only those who love the freedom of mind can have the understanding of acceptance, and can achieve the freedom of life of "doing your own thing and letting others speak".
Understands, but also does not understand; Pursue understanding, but also accept incomprehension. it is life.
Related articles of Xiong Ling:
On Identity and Acceptance Complex (1 ）
On Identity and Acceptance Complex (2)
Who makes you sick, who can save you
Why do you always blush
Can I get rid of my inferiority complex
Why did she get seasick?
How to face others' criticism
Fragile nature
Psychological Analysis of Criminal Fantasy
How to face the cruel truth?
