Conflict between husband and wife is an inevitable phenomenon in marriage. Some people think that the occasional stumbling or quarreling is the adjunct of marriage life. But there is a kind of conflict that makes people miserable. That is, the continuous noise between husband and wife, the lively and lively conflict in the war, and the tedious and enduring conflict in the truce.
There are many causes and types of persistent conflicts. Here I would like to make the following analysis of aggressive conflicts.
The origin of marital conflict
There is a story about a little boy who asked his father curiously: "Dad, what is war?" His father replied with interest: "War is a war between the two sides. For example, a few years ago, the United States bombed Iraq on a large scale because of its terrorist sanctions against Iraq..." The anxious mother interrupted: "What are you talking about? Is that what you said? The war was launched by the United States to control Iraq's oil and dominate the world. " "Hum, what politics do you know? Don't talk nonsense if you don't understand." "What are you talking about? Don't think you are right. You don't know who is right and who is wrong in such a big war. Fortunately, you want to teach the children." "You are wrong, I think it must be right." "You are wrong! You men love to be self righteous!" "Oh, why do you always like to hit a blow?" "Because you always think that you are right and others are wrong." "This is very suitable for you."...... The husband and wife continued to confront each other with red cheeks and thick necks, when the child suddenly roared: "Stop arguing! I know what war is.".
The thinking from this story is: First, the conflict between husband and wife due to different views reflects the aggressive connection. No matter what kind of war, no matter what degree of conflict, it is an act of mutual attack. According to psychodynamics, aggression is the most primitive instinct of human beings and the basis of all emotional relationships between people. There is no relationship conflict without aggressiveness. Among life species, there are only trees and trees, which are peaceful and alone.
Why does the relationship between husband and wife seem so fragile in all interpersonal relationships? In fact, it is not that love is not deep or true as commonly understood, but that the husband wife relationship with long-term, fixed and narrow nature is destined to become the main carrier of the release of instinctive aggression. In addition, people's sociality has also caused people to transfer their emotional frustration and aggressive depression in social relations to a safer marriage relationship. Therefore, the tendency to attack has become a major feature of maintaining the relationship between husband and wife, but in this form, emotional things are suppressed, and the taste of emotion is indifferent.
Second, fight for correctness. The conflict between husband and wife arises from differences, the most common being differences in personality, thinking mode and values. These differences tend to form disputes with the increase of marriage age. Seen from the surface, marital disputes are a kind of "right or wrong" contest. In essence, the dispute shows that both husband and wife are extremely angry at each other's unreasonableness or mistakes. But if you want to say wrong, it is because there is no wrong on both sides. If there is a real mistake, you will be right, and you will not be angry with each other. Because, if one party is really wrong, first of all, he will feel guilty because of his mistake. His heart is weak, and he will not have the impulse to fight back. Secondly, the attitude of the wrong party itself will make the other party feel that it has won, so the fight will lose the equal motivation to vent hatred, and the conflict of equal strength will not be established.
Most couples understand that fighting arises from differences, and there is no one right or wrong, but the war does not end because they understand the truth. They can also understand that the conflict of repeated defeats and defeats is very tiring, but the relationship has not changed because of tiredness. Does this mean that there is an unconscious motive behind the conflict between husband and wife, and there is some harmony behind the conflict?
The struggle between husband and wife is to express their grievances and justify themselves in the form of attack. Arguing for the truth seems to be the basic life style of people. Everyone has been educated by various principles in his environment since he was a baby. The quality of "reasoning" has long been cast into a person's character structure. Two heterosexuals with different blood relationship, personality and value orientation coexist in marriage day and night, naturally having too many conflict bases and opportunities. Fear of unrighteousness has become our collective unconscious complex. Everything we ask people to obey is also the hard truth created by culture, including all kinds of laws and regulations, authority people, and authority consciousness, which all represent "truth". A child is right and safe only when he obeys all kinds of principles, and he will avoid such dangers as criticism, punishment and abandonment. The conflict between husband and wife also represents many conflicts in interpersonal relationships. The underlying reason is the desire to be right, and the desire for the characters to accept themselves as "right".
In interpersonal environment, you can easily find that people are always fighting for the right. A pair of friends, who are keen on psychology, have launched a fierce online fight for a professional problem. Friend A said: manic depressive disorder is not psychosis, but emotional mental disorder; Friend B said: manic depressive disorder must be a mental disease, otherwise why should people suffering from manic depressive disorder be sent to a mental hospital for treatment? Both of them firmly believe that their views are correct and the other is wrong, in order to defend their correct understanding of psychological theory, but they are not willing to use the most sharp and harsh language violence to attack the other side violently.
If we withdraw from the position of AB, we will find that two people who conflict for the truth are actually right, but their understanding of manic depressive disorder is incomplete, because manic depressive disorder is an emotional mental disorder in mental disorders. However, we can further see that the distinctive feature (power) of the struggle between people is that truth cannot be profaned and correctness cannot be distorted.
Third, the impact of marital conflict on children. If the conflict fights for the right, it not only shows that they are right and are hit by the right, but also reveals their past experiences of negation and censure caused by "incorrect". There is a sad experience of not being accepted, and there is a backlog of strong desire for understanding and identification in their hearts. In their adult interpersonal relationships, they are particularly sensitive to others' evaluation of themselves, and they are also particularly fond of being honest.
The children are affected by the incessant struggle between husband and wife. As a child in the critical period of personality development, he not only experienced the anxiety of "war", but also could misinterpret the expression of love in the relationship. In other words, the child could not understand the expression of respect and love.
Couples fighting each other is a fully rational language harmful environment, which inhibits children's psychological development. Chinese parents are particularly rational and good at talking about "should and shouldn't". For children, rationality is like the tyranny of truth. With the mask of kindness, correctness and helping others, it devours the children's rich imagination and natural sensibility for a long time, especially restricting the development of children's independent thinking and independent personality.
"Children know the world by feeling, not by reason. It is easy to form a solid memory and psychological impression of children's emotional experience and feeling experience. Only by countless beneficial experiences can children be free from inner conflicts and willing to accept the growth methods that need to pay a price." It can be imagined that in a world where there is a lack of emotional interaction, rational expansion The future of a child may be the next copy of his parents in a marriage relationship that sticks to right and wrong.
Fourth, the split between rationality and sensibility. The fate of conflict between husband and wife will mostly show: fighting for differences - fighting for correctness - widening differences due to fighting - fighting for greater "wrong", such a cycle of conflict.
The so-called vicious circle means that the conflict between husband and wife has a qualitative deterioration, such as violence, extramarital affairs, retaliatory injuries, etc. The farther the goal of goodwill goes, the tighter the hostile relationship becomes. Once trapped in a vicious circle, the feelings, warmth and other elements of marriage will disappear, and the rest is full of grievances and truth, vowing to make unremitting efforts to recover their own efforts and punish each other's faults with super combat effectiveness.
Love and hate are the power to connect and attract relationships. The attraction behind an inseparable conflict between husband and wife is the desire for revenge for their "right" suffering wounds (right here not only means truth, but also includes various wishes and requirements that a person considers reasonable). Their subconscious tells each other: My wounds must be healed by you. There may be emotional characteristics of unconscious deep attachment in each other. Otherwise, the husband and wife are willing to stay in marriage without so much fighting and suffering.
Coordination of marital conflicts
1. Accept the difference. There are conflicts, and there are also ways to coordinate conflicts. Your view of conflict itself is the way to solve conflicts. For example, if you see a dispute as normal, let it exist, and see it as life itself, it does not constitute the cause of destroying relationships.
If conflicts arise from differences, then accepting differences is the fundamental way to resolve conflicts. How to accept the difference and whether to accept the difference involve the cognition and cultivation level of the couple. This requires both husband and wife or one party to realize that differences are inevitable and their own essence. Changing it means losing the truth of people, accepting it, and respecting the natural attributes of people. Be able to respect the demands of "differences": you are right and the other party is right, so that differences can coexist peacefully. What differences can be reduced through negotiation? What differences can be changed? This requires both parties to have a peaceful and negotiated attitude. If people and hearts can sit down quietly, negotiation will exist.
2. Understanding and identification. Understanding is an old and common topic, which seems simple but actually profound. It is as common for people to need understanding as to need to eat, but it is difficult for people to obtain or satisfy understanding like looking for a needle in a haystack. The conflict of interpersonal relationship, in the final analysis, is a slander that is not understood, and is the result of the frustration of the basic need of human understanding.
The husband wife relationship is a connection based on emotional needs. In terms of differences, there are differences that are inferior to any other relationship, that is, differences in emotional complex in the heart. These are formed in their original families long ago, and they directly affect people's emotional life in the future. For example, some conflicts between husband and wife are difficult to solve. In fact, it is not because they cannot understand each other, nor do they understand that both sides of the conflict are wrong, but because they do not understand that they and each other have subconscious complex needs: you should absolutely love me. If the husband and wife have conflicts that they cannot solve, so they are very painful and want to get out of the pain, they can accept psychological counseling on marriage feelings to help both parties realize their own complex. It is only possible to accept the "what is" or "what is not" of both parties after understanding the conflict and needs of the inner world of oneself and the other party, and recognizing oneself and the other party. The battle between husband and wife symbolizes the cry for justice in a lawsuit. When understanding really appears, there is no need to cry.
3. Increase perceptual communication mode. The husband wife relationship is a special interpersonal relationship, which is the combination of too many different qualities and its vulnerability. Whether couples have a sense of happiness in marriage depends largely on their emotional communication. For example:
——When eating, you can listen to music and say something relaxed, instead of holding a bowl and talking about work or reasoning.
——When the other party is in a negative mood, you can gently greet "It seems that you are in a bad mood, do you want to tell me?" instead of a ladle of cold water, "What's wrong with a drooping face?".
——When the other party finishes something that may not be perfect, the first thing is to understand the reason and then reason, rather than refute and correct it after exporting.
——When the other person is depressed but unwilling to be helped, accompany him/her silently instead of insisting on helping him/her.
——When the other person has done a good job for you, or when he/she has made some achievements, give him/her praise and hug, instead of saying, "There is nothing to show off. It's all old husbands and wives. Why should we pay attention to so much?".
——We can enjoy important festivals and anniversaries together.
——Know the content of each other's emotional needs, give recognition and try to meet them. Instead of complaining like some husbands scolding their wives, "I make money and you can enjoy it. What are you dissatisfied with?!".
People feel good in a warm, kind and loving emotional environment, and in a relationship that is understood, recognized and protected. The conflict between husband and wife is due to the lack of empathy. The root of conflict coordination is less rational confrontation and more interesting emotional interaction.
