——To return to the past
I read your blog "Back to the Past" in detail, and I feel it has flavor and depth. I want to reply to your trust and request. The nickname is a bit long, hereinafter referred to as "back".
Look at what I have written, but you should be prepared. Because I write for you, and because I am a psychoanalyst, I am paranoid and sharp when looking at problems, and I speak with a little lethality, which is very offensive. This may be our professional fault, so we can talk about other people's problems quickly. I'm joking! Real psychoanalysis will never be like this, or it will scare away visitors. If this article really makes you feel uncomfortable, please forgive my directness and treat me as a lie.
You give me the impression that she is a beautiful woman with gentle and elegant temperament, insight and literary talent. These impressions let me have many associations: beautiful jade, flaws, will beautiful jade have flaws? What if the jade has flaws? What will it do?
I described you as "Meiyu" because I learned from your blog that you are a loving couple with a happy marriage and a lovely son. You said that your husband's arm, in order to pillow your head in your bed of tenderness, fell the disease of muscle soreness, which witnessed how much he loved you. It also proves how romantic you are in love with your husband. It is not difficult to see that your husband is excellent in your eyes and you are perfect in his heart.
Such a beautiful intimate relationship is suddenly invaded by "hackers". I call your perfect spouse with flaws. You asked me, "What's the problem?"? In fact, I can see from your writing that you have already made some answers to this question, and your "To the Enemy in Love" is well analyzed, like an emotional psychology expert, which I appreciate very much.
Why are your beautiful marriage flawed? I agree with your analysis of her "rival in love" psychology. I want to talk about you and your husband.
There are many uncertainties and oddities in marriage life. For example, why does your partner betray him/her? Why do very loving couples have big problems in vain? Why does the one who always does well get hurt? Some phenomena are understandable, and some strange phenomena are unreasonable. As you said, "Whether spiritual derailment can be understood or physical derailment can be understood, the understanding is different when it does not happen to oneself". The truth of anything is different under different situations of different people.
After the appearance of extramarital affairs, marriage generally has the following situations: the feelings of husband and wife exist in name only, or reluctantly maintain marriage, or go their separate ways; The cheating party requests the former and does better than before, while the other party's mentality varies from person to person. Of course, the marriage trend in this case depends on the attitude of the other party.
In your marriage, your husband has cheated. Although you think it is not her rival, she is an attractor. But it is worth reflecting on you and your husband. Why did the rival seduce him? Did he seduce her? He is so affectionate to you. What makes him unable to refuse temptation?
This reminds me of Adam and Eve in the Bible. I want to explain that people lost paradise because of the temptation of snakes. Many notes say that Adam was tempted by Eve and ate the forbidden fruit, and was expelled from the Garden of Eden by God (the snake is the symbol of Eve). People have original sin, which is defined in this way. It can be seen that Adam and Eve committed the sin of eating the forbidden fruit. The sin was Eve's seduction. Adam seemed innocent. If convicted, he was at best an accomplice forced to be seduced. This shows the bias of the Bible towards men: Adam's original sin is covered up by the fact that he is passively seduced, as if Eve was the principal offender of the original sin. The truth is that no one can eat the forbidden fruit without Adam's enthusiasm. So it can be said that Adam was too eager for the existence of snakes, or that Adam was too cunning. He hid his desire and handed the sin of seduction to innocent Eve to commit.
Behind the story's protection of Adam, is it not a metaphor for people to meet their desires and escape moral condemnation?
Back, you said that your husband "is actually very fragile. He is not used to leaving me for too long, and in fact he is not long". Judging from this, he is really like a cowardly Adam. Although you love each other very much, the love you give him is not enough to satisfy his emotional desire. This is not to say that you don't give enough love, but that he has a hungry and greedy child in his heart, because although he is middle-aged, his heart is still in the childhood of "Oedipus Complex". Fortunately and unfortunately, you can be the perfect mother he has always been attached to. The rival in love with her is like his sexual partner in the rebellious period. This is from the perspective of psychoanalysis. If there is an uncultivated Oedipus complex in an intimate relationship between two or one of them, then he/she will be in a special situation, and the "rival in love" and the temptation of the rival in love will stir up or stimulate people's inner complex. If cheating is regarded as a crime, then the culprit of the crime is people's own emotional complex.
If your husband is psychologically mature enough, he will distinguish that you are not his mother who he absolutely depends on, but a couple who are attached to and give to each other. The rival in love is not his sexual partner who satisfies rebellion, but a friend who needs to keep the bottom line. If your husband is not a fragile Adam, he will have enough strength to resist any temptation from Eve.
From your perspective, your husband's emotional infidelity may be related to your perfection. I don't mean your beauty is wrong, but just want to clarify the phenomenon itself. Because there are some puzzling facts in life: beauty is always associated with disappointment, jade is beautiful but fragile, and men tend to make mistakes when they are combined with perfect women.
Psychology explains that a man is seeking his spouse according to his ideal and perfect mother prototype. When he gets it, he will either find out slowly that it is not the perfect woman he wants, and he will be disappointed, then leave, and then look for it again. Or, the perfect woman gradually becomes the pressure and threat to him. Because of her perfection, he subconsciously felt guilty and burdened. He always felt that he owed her something. He began to worry about his own failure, his inability to satisfy her, his disappointment, and his contempt for himself. A series of anxieties gradually accumulated. Slowly, he no longer felt attractive and conquering in front of the perfect woman, and no longer felt like a man. In this case, a man is easy to cheat, and cheating is an adventure to save himself from the anxiety of the monk. This is the explanation of two more extreme forms of spouse relationship in psychology, not the normal phenomenon.
In the relationship between you and your husband, I seem to feel that there is an invisible high-voltage line behind your beautiful relationship, which is composed of your husband's subconscious anxiety, complex, your attachment complex, and your strength. This is a flaw that affects your good relationship. Exposing flaws, that is, being aware of flaws themselves, can guide you to adjust them. Of course, this requires both of you to have a posture of humility and acceptance.
Marriage pairing, as good as two drops of water, often hides a greater crisis. Because this means that it is a kind of childish symbiotic dependence, and the crisis will come when one party finally finds that it cannot find itself.
Finally, let's discuss what to do when the beautiful jade shows flaws? From your "To Love Enemies", you are a woman with clear love and hatred, personality and strong superego. The expression of "to the rival in love", in fact, is to release your hostility to the rival in love, which is a good way to deal with anger gently and rationally. I don't know your attitude towards your husband on this issue. You said in a blog post: Since then, my husband is no longer tall in my heart, no longer proud, no longer the old man. This is your state of mind, but I don't know how you treat marriage.
Guess that your nickname "Back to the Past" was born in this state of mind, and also spoke out your inner voice. But those "no longer" you expressed are undoubtedly obstacles to returning to the past. Consciously, you said to yourself "back to the past" with tolerance and warmth. Unconsciously, you said "there is no longer the past". If so, your husband will be ashamed of himself in front of you and in your heart.
When the beautiful and solid emotional building is shaken, no matter how strong a woman is, she is also vulnerable. I know you only from your articles. Although you are weak, you are stronger. You are a woman who has the ability to deal with shock events. I would like to add that if you really want to go back to the past, your forgiveness and acceptance of him is a warm way for you and your husband to "go back to the past". However, it is necessary to let go of your anger and reverse the "no longer". Consider that the flaws in the past can be used as a starting point for deeper feelings and stronger relationships while the history has been turned over.
Wish you back to the past!
